Sunday Post

While I usually take Sundays as a day of rest from my blogging life, I find that on this particular Sunday it is cloudy, grey, and I am more bored than usual at work. So I give a little bit more of a melancholic entry today.

I try and work out with my personal trainer once every two-three weeks (it was every week until I decided to move in on my own sans roommate but plus two rather needy but completely adorable felines...alas). While we work out I fill him in on my life, not so much because he wants to know, but it's the only way I can possibly get through the number of sets and reps he tells me to do without dying on the spot. So one day, I'm telling him about this guy and how he's being stupid, canceled plans last minute, etc. etc. And he goes "Meg, girls are attracted to JERKS."
[NOTE: When I was growing up and I would tell my dad about people who irked me and he would say "Megan, those people are assholes. But because that's a profanity, we'll say the biblical term for those people is JERKS." Hence my fairly regular usage of the term.]

So my trainer tells me this and I say "Maybe MOST girls are, but I'm not. Usually I can peg them, hence my consternation with this particular boy." He proceeds to tell me "No girls like nice guys. They want the JERK. They want to tame him, make him change." Then we launched into a particularly painful set of squat jumps and kettle bell things which I took to mean he didn't want to debate the issue.

After my workout (which I barely survived...hurts so good!), I mused upon this theory. I thought, "I'm not that girl...." and then that stupid voice we all hear but hate to listen to says "Or are you?" So I head into self-examination (and a decent amount of cabernet sauvignon), a little worried about where I will come out.

As you have probably gathered from this blog, I date and/or go on dates fairly frequently. And most of the time it's with supremely nice guys (key word NICE). They are good-looking, respectful, hold-the-door-pick-up-the-tab-tell-you-you're-pretty-laugh-at-all-your-stupid-jokes, nice guys. Yet, when I am out with these gentlemen, I am consistently avoiding the topic of relationships, futures, innuendo, etc. like the plague. I even plan my exit strategy, which more often than not I employ via phone several days later. When I tell my friends about these situations they say "Well, what was wrong with him?" And I say, "Nothing. It just wasn't right."

Then I go out with a guy who seems to be all that and a bag of chips, maybe we get the relationship level, maybe we don't...but when they inevitably terminate the arrangement I am left, like, pining for them. And then I think about all those nice guys who would NEVER even ENTERTAIN the thought of letting me go (well, in theory anyway), and I think...Were they all "not right," or am I the one who is "not right?" I mean, how many failures can there be before I actually have to realize, for real...it's not them, it's me?

PAUSE: All this is a little heavy, even for a melancholy Sunday. More likely than not during this time of self-examination I nixed the cab sauv and went straight to my good friend Jameson..feel free to follow the lead. A little chuckle...and onward.

My conclusion comes down to two major points:

1. Girls may be attracted to JERKS, but so are boys. At the end of all my pondering I have to wonder if we don't all have a little JERK inside of us. As many times as I have been the reject-EE, I have probably just as many times been the reject-OR. I shudder to think how many wonderful gentlemen are out there cursing my name and labeling me the way I label the men who wound my pride (not that I flatter myself that they even remember me...but still). And besides, if we act like a JERK once or twice, are we doomed to be that way forever? Can our JERKY actions actually be justified? Don't get me wrong..some people are just born to be JERKS, but what about everyone else like me? Which leads me to my next point...

2. When the situation is right, the guy (or girl depending on your preference) will be nice. I mean, in order to find the "right" thing we all have to be JERKS or have JERKY things done to us right? Anyone who has been through a terrible relationship ordeal, but has had the opportunity to like, love, or be infatuated ever again probably thinks..."If that hadn't happened, then this good thing wouldn't be happening," or something probably way more corny and beautiful than that. Right?

So in the end, I have been a JERK, and people have been JERKS to me. And I can't say I never get a little wistful about the nice guys I have left in my wake of terror. "Maybe if I could have, maybe if he were, maybe if the situation," the list goes on. But I guess what it comes down to is I know I made the right, if not necessarily the smartest, decision. They say what we dislike in other people is what we dislike most in ourselves. Maybe I end up liking then disliking JERKS because, at heart, I'm still growing into someone who isn't one.