This Guy Walks Into A Bar And Says....

This past weekend I went to a bachelorette party for my friend from college. So we were out at some swanky places and I began contemplating the joke "A guy walks into a bar. What does he say?" Most people would answer "Ouch." While this is what many guys end UP saying, they usually lead with some different things.

Before I really begin my stories/theories on this subject I must make a note: Guys who talk to girls in bars are the bravest people on the planet with the exception of firefighters and soldiers. Some of the shoulders they get are so cold it would turn your Coors Light mountains blue in a heartbeat. Gentlemen, this post is mostly anecdotal with some minor advice points...don't stop talking to girls in bars..you never know how a night can turn out. I applaud all of you, because most of the time it's not you, it's us. And having experienced rejection in a bar like, twice, I can tell you that the way you folks get back on the horse is commendable to say the least.

Having said that, I can continue with a clear conscience. So here are some things that happened to me this weekend that will make you laugh, cry, and cringe, and my take on the aftermath.

First event of the night...we're in this club, the scene is cool and trendy and all sorts of fun bachelorette-y type things. As I am making my way to the bar to grab a glass of wine, this guy touches my arm and says "Where are you going?" Hello? I'm at a bar, I'm walking toward the bar, and my hands are noticeably empty. Hmmmm. The worst part? After I smiled and told him my destination, he didn't even buy me the glass of wine. Hmph.

NOTE: In retrospect, I admit my form must have been intimidating, being a relatively tall person already with my heels making me close to 5' 11", the poor guy was probably afraid I would beat him up, or worse, trip over him. And I was surrounded by gaggle of good-looking women. These are just observations.

The next thing, we're at this pub and this seemingly creepy guy starts talking to me, asking me when my friend is getting married, etc. Now, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, i.e. I was willing to overlook the creep factor in order to carry a conversation because I am friendly and you can't judge a book by its cover. BUT this guy was legit CREEPY. He's getting all up in my grill, which is theoretically acceptable at a loud bar, but seriously. Personal space bubble violation=uncool. The worst part was when I had pretty much fended him off, both from me and my soon-to-be-married friend, he began to circle around the table talking to all of the girls who were with me, opening with the same line. I mean seriously...what are we in some kind of police line-up? Cut your losses bro.

I do believe I also fended off another somewhat questionable personal space invader by confessing to be a lesbian (I wish I could say it's the first time I used that one). I am not one...but it does work in a pinch.

The point is guys, when in an awkward social situation, such as a loud bar, there are a few things I should point out:

--Most of the time girls who give you the cold shoulder have boyfriends, have been dumped by their boyfriends and hate the race of men, or are genuinely not interested for reasons beyond the comprehension of the mortal realm.

--Confidence is key. No need to be all Mike the Situation cocky-like. Just chill. And don't hover or come out any shadows. Make eye contact first before beginning the initial approach.


--If a girl in a group says "No thank you," don't try and hit up the rest of her friends. It makes things weird (Example: the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Andrew Keegan leaves with Gabrielle Union instead of Alex Mack, and Alex Mack gets mad, even though she didn't really want Andrew Keegan...you know, at Bogey's party? Classic.)


--Most girls have been taught never to meet men in bars. Unless it's at happy hour..


--The fear of rejection is legitimate, but ultimately a silly habit. Everyone gets rejected (like I said, it's happened to me twice...). It's annoying, but where better to have it happen than in a bar? Keep up the good work.


WARNING: These are not proven tactics to impress women in loud social situations. Merely anthropological observations from someone who's seen the good, the bad, and the scary.

So there you have ladies and gents. Some stories and some tips for the road. Ultimate conclusion: when you guys DO walk into a bar...make sure the joke isn't on you. Happy Almost Hump-Day!