Things I Learned To Do By Myself

So I spend a decent amount of this bloggage asserting my independence as a free-wheeling single woman in the 21st century. But I must confess, I was not always this way. I had a lot of help along the way to my ultimate feelings of power. So I give you a list of things I had to learn to do by myself because I don't have a boyfriend, roommate, or closely accessible parental figure (with the exception of my wonderful aunt and her family) readily available to me, and my two darling felines are relatively useless.

Clean.
--I'm not a dirty person by any means, but I am a great big slob. Through the years I have managed to somehow procure semi-compulsive cleaners into my web of friendship and roommate-hood. I have been very lucky. But now I am on my own, and am pretty sure there are 3 or 4 extra people or cats secretly living in my apartment with the amount I have to clean everything. It's terrible! I had to text a previous roommate and let her know I was actually becoming a legitimate human being because I cleaned my bedroom TWICE in one week. Ridiculous, because in times previous it was a miracle if I cleaned my bedroom twice in a semester. I even bought a Swiffer sweeper, which caused this same roommate to question the alignment of the planets. Anyway, I'm practically the poster child for Clorox wipes now, which I am convinced could probably clean up the BP oil spill.

Decorate.
--I have also been lucky in the past to move in with people who already had stuff in the apartment. I never owned a couch, a framed picture, or an end table until just recently when I moved into my own place, which much to my chagrin, didn't come furnished. So I now have in my possession some area rugs, fake plants, framed pictures, and a futon, along with some other knick-knacks that are starting to make the place come together. What I really can't wait for is to decorate for Christmas. And to get up the courage to make my way to Ikea to finish the place (going to Ikea is, unfortunately, something I think I shall NEVER learn to do by myself. Too overwhelming).

Put Sunscreen On My Back.
--If you read my TIACD post last week it mentioned that my favorite sunscreen had a multi-directional spray feature, meaning it sprays upside-down. This is great because it's a long time since I had a strapping young lad or a cabana boy to put some SPF on my broad shoulder blades. Unfortunately, before I discovered this godsend, I had many a painful splotch and a somewhat uneven tan. But now it's all good. Thank you Neutrogena, from single beach-goers everywhere!

Buttons and Zippers and Clasps, Oh My!
--My mother used to say she married my father so he could zip up her dresses, button back buttons, and hook delicate clasps on jewelry. I used to chuckle and say, "Oh mom, that's so silly." But, as is usually the case, my mom is a genius and I begin to see the method to her madness. I have NEVER had a more difficult time getting into and out of clothes as recently. I'm sure if anyone could see in my window in the morning, the image of my attempting to jump off my dresser into a pair of skinny jeans would be quite the spectacle. I've put on more clothing backwards first to get it zipped only to have the zipper catch on my hair or undershirt or something painful. Not to mention the muscular discipline it takes to suck in and zip at the same time (try that Pilates class). It's insane. I've almost said no to entire clothing purchases because I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get into, or worse, get out of them.

Move.
--In the past, when I have moved from apartment to apartment I have had the help of my dad or an ex-boyfriend who felt particularly guilty about crushing my soul. This past time when I moved, my dad was unavailable and I had spurned all male resources in the immediate area. So, with the help of my roommate, her amazing Ford Escape, and some friends I managed to get everything into my apartment. But with unpacking and furnishing I actually ended up carrying just about EVERYTHING else all by myself. The only thing the cats helped with was moral support by meowing every time I came up the stairs. Thanks guys. It did feel kind of liberating at first...until I woke up the next morning and literally could not move one limb of my poor body.

Hang Stuff and Put Stuff Together.
--Along with moving, I also had to learn to assemble things and hang things. This was interesting. But I managed to assemble my futon with relatively little incident. That is to say, it is still in one piece serving a purpose. Which is more than I can say for those stupid wall-hanging-sticky-hook-things from Scotch. My floating shelves almost took out my cat the other day as they fell to the floor. Oops...

Cook.
--Ok actually I'm still working on this one. I don't even own a frying pan. Don't tell my dad.

Kill Bugs.
--I lied when I said my cats were useless. It turns out that Rilke and Coleridge (Coley) can actually prove very helpful in torturing and killing any unwanted critter in my apartment. However, before they can get their paws on them, the abject terror I experience at having to slay a bug, or in the event that they are the size of a small SUV, catch them and put them outside rivals the feeling you get in that dream where you realize you're naked in the middle of class. Many a time has my battle cry pierced the night as I run towards my foe and attempt to rid my habitat of its presence. The first morning I moved in there was a bug in my kitchen sink..you know, one of those ones with about 297862598765 legs and a license to terrorize? Let's just say I now have a designated bug-slaying flip flop that comes complete with a cry of terror and a phone call to my mother afterward to talk my heart rate down to a normal, human speed.

The sad thing about this list is that it is by NO means exhaustive. Whoever said you learn something new everyday obviously lived by themselves for a good period of time. But I have to admit I feel kind of excited every time I accomplish something, even if it is as small as purchasing a Swiffer and actually cleaning with it. Who needs a man or a roommate anyway? Now if you'll excuse me, I have go untangle my hair from the necklace I was attempting to wear today...