I heard this song the other day by a band called The Script called "Break Even." In the song, they talk about how the guy is bemoaning his sad emotional state when his girlfriend leaves him. The thing that struck me about it though was the chorus. While the line "When a heart breaks no it don't break even," is quite clever and mostly true, the other part says "What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you." What?? The best part about you isn't even you?? That's going to become a problem down the line. Or at least fodder for a brilliant blog post.
So I started thinking about all the cliches we have for when we meet someone really great like "they complete me," or "I found what my heart has been missing," or "they are the missing piece," or, if I may reference some of the choice gentlemen in my history, "the missing link..." anyway, you get my drift. So I began thinking, how can we possibly expect relationships to work out if you expect someone to complete you as a person? I am in a relationship with myself 24/7, and now I have to complete someone? Please.
So this led to a time of introspection. I concluded that it has long been a flaw of mine that, when in a relationship setting, I tend to concede certain things that I normally would not. This began in high school when I dated a boy who hated coming to my piano recitals. In case you do not know, piano is my LIFE. So any normal person would say "This just isn't working out," but nooooo. I stuck with him for a reallllyyyy long time. When we did eventually break up I vowed never to do anything like that again. Fast forward to my next few relationships where my music was appreciated, but certain aspects of my personality were stifled and/or pushed aside because "I loved him," and sometimes you have to compromise. Newsflash: it's not compromise if you are the only one doing it! [I know, my great epiphanies are generally common knowledge, but hey, the road to self-discovery is a long one. Give me a break.]
It's one thing to set out to find "the one who completes you," but it's entirely different to find someone, and then lose yourself in the process. I often wonder how long it would have been before I lost more than I gained in my previous relationships. I am really grateful for the time I am spending as a single person, even if crazy things happen to me, because it has given me ample opportunity to get to know the scary inner-workings of my brain. It has certainly given me motivation to become more self-aware in my dating life, if nothing else.
So, it is difficult to give advice on how to achieve self-awareness. It will forever be a work in progress for me. The best advice I have come by however came from a dear friend at a rather happy happy hour. She said, "I have my deal breakers, and those are what I go by." Hers included the man's religious affiliations, eventual desires for children, among others. She is consistently aware of things that she will not compromise for herself in a relationship setting. I find this admirable and amazing because I realized at that moment I never even thought about my deal breakers...at least beyond the fact that I don't want to date an ex-con. Maybe the reason I give in so easily is because I never actually fortified my brain to keep my terms in the forefront of my mind.
Though this pearl of wisdom is great, the ultimate journey to self-awareness has to be on your terms. Particularly when dating, you need to be vigilant about how you and the other person are acting and how it makes you feel. So many people say "I should have broken up with that person when...". You do not have to be that person if you stick to your guns and take no prisoners about it. Listen to yourself. Notice things and allow yourself to think about them.
I dated this guy one time who was a very dynamic (which is a nice way of saying hyper) person, much like myself. While we were seeing each other I was all enamoured and thinking he was so great, but a voice in my head kept saying there was no balance. Our personalities were too similar. It ended up not working out and I wished I had taken the time to really think about what my brain was telling me. I probably would have proceeded differently, or at least with more caution. Again, I let myself go a little bit in that situation. So I'm still learning to live by my own rule that the ultimate way to keep yourself is to know yourself.
[NOTE: I'm not saying we are all perfect. Sometimes, relationships will require us to change for the better or just for the different. Just make sure it is not a one-sided deal.]
In conclusion, whether you're in a relationship, fresh out of one, married for 72 years, or single, you need to remember you are a complete person in yourself. Whoever you're with can bring out the best IN you, but you can't expect them to complete you. That would be exhausting! To contradict The Script, no one but YOU should be the best part about YOU, whether the heart "breaks even" or not. Happy almost weekend!
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