Your Date Is A Person Too.

I'm sure the title of this post made you go "Duh." But recently I have noticed how easy it is to almost forget that the person across the table or on the other side of the phone/facebook chat/BBM, what have you, is a person too. Often, I find myself in a situation where I super-impose all of my expectations and past experiences onto the person I'm dating without taking into consideration the kinds of things they may be thinking about me.

I know...no wonder she's single if she's that self-centered! But think about it. Say your last relationship ended in a shambles. Maybe you were cheated on, maybe you were unexpected dumped, or maybe you were the cheater or the unexpected dumper....obviously going on a date is going to bring some insecurities and trust issues to the surface. It is difficult to be in that type of situation and not wonder how things might play out. For myself, it has often caused me to end everything entirely because I'm so worried about something bad happening that I just can't risk it. So I now keep a few things in mind when going on a date to remind me that my date is a person too.

You're Not the Only One With Past Experiences
--Remembering this will, if nothing else, make you a more considerate date. You know when things have made you angry, hurt you, annoyed you to the point on no return, etc. Keeping in mind that whoever you are with has all of these things on their mind as well will keep you humble and make you a better date. You don't necessarily have to talk about all your hang-up's (in fact I highly encourage you not to at first, unless you can make it funny), but bear them in mind so you don't commit crimes you have formerly prosecuted internally.

You May Remind Them Of Someone Too
--Ever been on a date and you think "Oh my gosh this guy so reminds me of..." For me, I always hope that sentence ends with "Brad Pitt." But in the mortal realm it usually is someone I've dated before. Bear in mind that you may remind them of someone as well. Anyone remember that Usher song? "You remind me of a girl that I once knew, see her face whenever I look at you" etc. By the end of the refrain he essentially tells this woman he can't be with her because she reminds him too much of a terrible ex-girlfriend. Which brings me to my next point...
[NOTE: Personally, I'd rather remind a guy of an ex than of his mother....(yes that has happened to me...it's weird).]

They Are Not Your Ex. You Are Not Their Ex.
--Generally we are attracted to a type. Chances are the people you date are going to have things in common with one another. Hopefully these traits include terrifically intelligent or dashingly handsome, but they may also include commitment-phobe or anal retentive. Remember when you're out with this person that whatever they may have in common with someone from your past, they ARE NOT, I repeat ARE NOT them. Be careful not to super-impose your expectations or disappointments on some poor soul who has no idea.

Realize They May Not Be Interested.
--Ah yes, the ultimate humility move. Understanding that if your date is a person too, they are not the only party who may or may not develop an interest. It may turn out that they may be EXACTLY what you're looking for, but you are far from what they need. It's super annoying when it happens, and I'm not saying you shouldn't go out for a sour amaretto (go out for one, don't be one! See Bitter, Party of One post) with some friends and talk about what an idiot someone would have to be for not wanting to be with you, but I always try to remember the many times that a guy hasn't been what I needed either. If nothing else, remembering that thought softens the blow (the sour amaretto and good company can't hurt either).

End Well
--My ultimate postulate in remembering that my date is a person too is to treat them with respect. When you date someone, you both give up time and some energy to the potential involved. Respect and listen to what they have to say while you're seeing each other (they may turn out to be some kind of crazy person, but still, you never know what you can learn). And, if it turns out that you become the less-than-interested party, you should treat the other person respectfully and let them know. Admittedly I employed what I like to call the Lock-Jaw Tactic for a long time before it hit me: I hate it when people do that to me, so why do I treat other people that way? I chalked it up to subconscious revenge, but I have since changed my ways. Anyway, pick up the phone, press the send button, and be a grown-up. Doing this not only shows respect for the time spent, but also cuts down on the awkward factor if you ever run into the person again.
NOTE: Occasionally the Lock-Jaw Tactic can be justified...my general rule of thumb is 1 date can merit zero response; 2 dates deserves a "No Thank You" text; 3 or more deserves a phone call.

The moral of the story is that everyone has a story. Your date may not know yours, you may not know theirs, but it is imperative to acknowledge this. Being empathetic not only makes you a better date, it makes you a better person. Awareness of others contributes to awareness of self which builds confidence in self. And having those things will make your date see that you are a person too. Happy Monday (if there is such a thing...)!