Textual Etiquette, the Ultimate Power of the Emoticon, and other such Social Media Adventures

It's a rare thing this day and age not to have some form of media as part of your dating relationship. We can e-mail, facebook, Google, text, call, send smoke signals...hell we can even blog to get in touch with people. While all of these techniques have their merits, my personal favorite is texting.

Texting is quite possibly the best (perhaps also worst) thing ever invented. Texting allows independence and space in the relationship but also keeps you in touch like...24/7. For instance, you can't call someone at 2am (well, at least you shouldn't...sorry about that to all of my victims), but you can text them because chances are a text won't wake them up. The interesting thing is, as texting has become a more in-vogue way to communicate, it has taken on its own inflection. [NOTE: In my opinion, the roots of this phenomenon are derived from many days spent on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger). While this has become somewhat obsolete due to Facebook chat (you can stalk people AND talk to them? Amazing.), the general traditions are maintained]. Let me elaborate....
The Many Ways of Saying "Hello"
If you think that a greeting is a universal, rather generic thing then you are wrong. Well, at least textually speaking. There are many in's and out's to greeting someone via text. Mostly because if you are initiating the conversation, you need to create an avenue for the person to respond to you (or not, depending....). While there are many ways of doing this, I have narrowed it down to five:

"Hey!!" or "Hellllloooooo"--This method creates excitement in the receiving party. Your use of exclamation (sometimes multiple exclamation points) sends a message that says "Hey I'm excited to talk to you text me back!"
General note: most anything sent in multiples via text conveys a sense of extreme interest or wonderment. For instance, if you send someone a text about something crazy what happened and they respond with "Whaaaatttttt??" or "OMGGGGGG" or "hahahaha" (the latter most meaning it's really freaking funny). This opens the door for textual elaboration, or a very in-depth happy hour convo.

"Hey..."--This initial text says "I'm not sure if I should be texting you, but I am anyway, how do you feel about that?" Or it says "We haven't talked in days yet you gave me the impression you wanted to talk more frequently wtf, but I'm still just testing the waters." The ellipsis gives the person the option of not texting you back because it leaves the vibe of the conversation in their court. It could just as well be they say "Hey! How are you??" (double question mark meaning they really want to know)...which leads me to my next point....
[see how I did that with the ellipsis? I know. Very clever.]

"Hey, what's up?"--This is a good way of initiating a conversation if you are supposed to see the other party at some point in the near future. I.e. you had discussed hanging out, but you both had things to do in the morning...you might send this text around noon after you have accomplished your errand list to check in with the other person. Also, by ending with a question you set yourself up for a more likely response.
[NOTE: I say "more likely" because some mofo's won't text you back even if you ask them to do something insanely cool.]

"Hey," or "Hi."--The lack of exclamation point, emoticon, or a follow-up of "what's up?" makes this is a rather curt way of saying hello. Generally used when the other party has annoyed you in some way. You must communicate your frustration without speaking, therefore your texts are monosyllabic. The textual lukewarm-shoulder if you will. Ouch.

"Hey :)"--The warmest greeting of all. They hey with a Smiley Face. We all know what this means people. Either it's someone you REALLY want to talk to...or someone you haven't talked to in a really long time and you are glad to hear from them. The Smiley Face says it all. Which brings me to my next point....

The All-Powerful Emoticon
Emoticons make or break your conversation more often than not. They have textual powers beyond what mere mortals can comprehend. Derived from the words "emotion (feelings)" and "icon (symbol)"...I give you my thoughts on the Emoticon Revolution and the 3 genres thereof.

The Smiley Face---or :) [Variations include, but are not limited to :-), 8) (sunglasses face), : P, =), and :D]
The smiley face takes the edge off any conversation. Use of such an emoticon conveys a feeling of happiness, playfulness, and/or silliness for light-hearted textualization. Generally used two-three times during a conversation at the beginning greeting, after a mid-convo joke, and at the end with the goodbye phrase.

The Slanty Face--or :/
This face usually comes after something a little more sad in your convo. For instance, " I would love to come but I can't :/." It gives the impression that you are bummed, but not completely despondent (for which you would use the SAD FACE, see below). Slanty Face also acts as an expression of discomfort in a text situation. I.e. "and then I told him I was a vegetarian :/." The Slanty Face says it all in this instance. Probably this poor person was on a date at a steakhouse and was forced to tell the sap who picked it that she didn't eat meat [See previous post "On Being A Good Date."].

The Sad Face--or :(
[Variations include but are not limited to :-(, :*(]
This face is used to express, shockingly enough, sadness in a conversation. For instance "I miss you :-(." The unfortunate thing about this face is that it so enhances that sentiment without using words at all. Generally, if you use the sad face you should bloody well mean it folks. It is one of the more loaded emoticons. Yes I mean you.

In conclusion, texting and other social media devices are new ground for many of us coming through the next decade of the 21st century. It can be treacherous....especially trying to read people when actually, well, reading people. My best textual advice: Never be afraid to clarify.
Happy wording!