Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Fear(?) of Freedom

Hey All!

It has been quite awhile, but you will be excited to know that, once again, I am living singularly (and convinced Google to let me log in to this blog). This time, my adventures are joined not only by my cats but by roommates and a new job location! So, what to post about in my first post in over a year? How about an existential crisis?

So here's what happens. You finally get your act together.

Recently, everything I ever wanted in life actually happened. I got an amazing full-time gig in the big city. It requires me to take public transportation, walk to work, and wear kick ass boots and headwear every day on my two block jaunt to my employer. So diesel. Not to mention, the job is so amazing because at the time it happened I had already committed to playing a spring musical, my absolute passion, and they are flexible with my schedule and let me work when I can so I can make it to all of my various things. I am in school and plugging away at my very interesting thesis and still doing my part-time super fulfilling music gig. Epic.

Also, at least for a hot second, I had THE guy. The greatest guy. The guy we see in Disney movies. Yet, as is typical, things change, and things ended.

So now, things aren't "perfect." Or are they?

I find that often, when everything in my life is "as it should be," I am afraid that something will go wrong. I spend hours trying to stave off my negative fears and eventually, because life is what it is, something goes wrong. My problem is that when this happens, I neglect to pay attention to the amazing things in my life.

I went through the completely necessary various stages of breakupdom for the 39865287th time. My friends and myself said all the right "Ugh, boys" things, and I certainly acknowledge at least a modicum of sadness at the end of the relationship.

But, I ultimately realized something: I have fulfillment in my life. Though it is a super goal of mine to eventually find myself in the ideal marital situation, I have so many fantastic things in my life that I really can't spend time worrying about what may or may not be missing. I just can't. I love my music, I love my work, and I love my peeps. Can it get better than that?

I think that my fear of freedom is actually fear of acknowledgement. Fear of acknowledging that no matter what, nothing is REALLY missing in my life. There is just room to add more beauty and excitement. I would like to substitute the word "Fear" for "Acceptance." Acceptance of the fact that I have been free to make the choices I have made and to be the person I am, and acceptance of the possibility of how I can learn and grow in the future to come. Just because I haven't achieved all my goals yet doesn't mean I don't still have it all.

For now, I will leave you with that. Don't worry, the next post will be way more funny and sardonic. Happy Hump Day!

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