I'm sure the title of this post made you go "Duh." But recently I have noticed how easy it is to almost forget that the person across the table or on the other side of the phone/facebook chat/BBM, what have you, is a person too. Often, I find myself in a situation where I super-impose all of my expectations and past experiences onto the person I'm dating without taking into consideration the kinds of things they may be thinking about me.
I know...no wonder she's single if she's that self-centered! But think about it. Say your last relationship ended in a shambles. Maybe you were cheated on, maybe you were unexpected dumped, or maybe you were the cheater or the unexpected dumper....obviously going on a date is going to bring some insecurities and trust issues to the surface. It is difficult to be in that type of situation and not wonder how things might play out. For myself, it has often caused me to end everything entirely because I'm so worried about something bad happening that I just can't risk it. So I now keep a few things in mind when going on a date to remind me that my date is a person too.
You're Not the Only One With Past Experiences
--Remembering this will, if nothing else, make you a more considerate date. You know when things have made you angry, hurt you, annoyed you to the point on no return, etc. Keeping in mind that whoever you are with has all of these things on their mind as well will keep you humble and make you a better date. You don't necessarily have to talk about all your hang-up's (in fact I highly encourage you not to at first, unless you can make it funny), but bear them in mind so you don't commit crimes you have formerly prosecuted internally.
You May Remind Them Of Someone Too
--Ever been on a date and you think "Oh my gosh this guy so reminds me of..." For me, I always hope that sentence ends with "Brad Pitt." But in the mortal realm it usually is someone I've dated before. Bear in mind that you may remind them of someone as well. Anyone remember that Usher song? "You remind me of a girl that I once knew, see her face whenever I look at you" etc. By the end of the refrain he essentially tells this woman he can't be with her because she reminds him too much of a terrible ex-girlfriend. Which brings me to my next point...
[NOTE: Personally, I'd rather remind a guy of an ex than of his mother....(yes that has happened to me...it's weird).]
They Are Not Your Ex. You Are Not Their Ex.
--Generally we are attracted to a type. Chances are the people you date are going to have things in common with one another. Hopefully these traits include terrifically intelligent or dashingly handsome, but they may also include commitment-phobe or anal retentive. Remember when you're out with this person that whatever they may have in common with someone from your past, they ARE NOT, I repeat ARE NOT them. Be careful not to super-impose your expectations or disappointments on some poor soul who has no idea.
Realize They May Not Be Interested.
--Ah yes, the ultimate humility move. Understanding that if your date is a person too, they are not the only party who may or may not develop an interest. It may turn out that they may be EXACTLY what you're looking for, but you are far from what they need. It's super annoying when it happens, and I'm not saying you shouldn't go out for a sour amaretto (go out for one, don't be one! See Bitter, Party of One post) with some friends and talk about what an idiot someone would have to be for not wanting to be with you, but I always try to remember the many times that a guy hasn't been what I needed either. If nothing else, remembering that thought softens the blow (the sour amaretto and good company can't hurt either).
End Well
--My ultimate postulate in remembering that my date is a person too is to treat them with respect. When you date someone, you both give up time and some energy to the potential involved. Respect and listen to what they have to say while you're seeing each other (they may turn out to be some kind of crazy person, but still, you never know what you can learn). And, if it turns out that you become the less-than-interested party, you should treat the other person respectfully and let them know. Admittedly I employed what I like to call the Lock-Jaw Tactic for a long time before it hit me: I hate it when people do that to me, so why do I treat other people that way? I chalked it up to subconscious revenge, but I have since changed my ways. Anyway, pick up the phone, press the send button, and be a grown-up. Doing this not only shows respect for the time spent, but also cuts down on the awkward factor if you ever run into the person again.
NOTE: Occasionally the Lock-Jaw Tactic can be justified...my general rule of thumb is 1 date can merit zero response; 2 dates deserves a "No Thank You" text; 3 or more deserves a phone call.
The moral of the story is that everyone has a story. Your date may not know yours, you may not know theirs, but it is imperative to acknowledge this. Being empathetic not only makes you a better date, it makes you a better person. Awareness of others contributes to awareness of self which builds confidence in self. And having those things will make your date see that you are a person too. Happy Monday (if there is such a thing...)!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Safety Patrol
Ahh, here you are Friday, finally! As we head into yet another summer weekend I have decided to post some safety tips...probably nothing you haven't heard before, but take it from me. I watch WAY too much Lifetime, and have found that as I get older, I over-estimate my ability to avoid potentially dangerous situations. Granted, I work out and can generally take any guy who tries to get in my grill, but seriously. Bad things happen sometimes, and there are definite ways to avoid them. So I give you the Weekend Watch tips to ensure good, safe fun.
Go Out in Groups (Duh...but I had to add it)
--Make sure if you're heading out, you go in a group of 2 or more (you too guys). There really is strength in numbers, and if something weird begins to happen you've got people who have your back. If you do find that you are stir-crazy and need to get out flying solo, go somewhere local where you know two or more of the bartenders/servers. This way you are seen and in a familiar territory.
Buddy System
--Don't go into the bathroom by yourself (the actual business you can do by yourself). Don't go up to the bar by yourself (unless there is a clear sight-line from your group to there). Don't go out to the car by yourself. Don't go out to have a smoke by yourself. Don't go out to make a call by yourself. Am I boring you? Seriously. Drag whatever person is closest to you where you need to go. The way cheetahs get their prey is to separate them from the herd. Don't be the wounded gazelle!
Have A Designated MSP (Mostly-Sober Person)
--Most people have a DD (Designated Driver) when they go out, but you should also have a Designated MSP. Obviously if you're out at a party or a bar for 5-6 hours, even the DD can have a drink that they can safely oxidize before getting behind the wheel. The trick is to make sure you have someone present who will keep a level head in case things get out of hand. Usually this can be the person who has work the earliest the next morning. They don't have to drink water all night, but at least you know there's someone who's aware of things.
NEVER, EVER, EVER Leave Your Drink Unattended
--We all know what happens if you do that. You may be thinking "What does this chick think I was born yesterday?" But seriously...you'd be surprised how habitual it becomes to set your drink down for a sec then come back to it. We've all played the "Which cup was mine?" game. The other day I was at a bridal shower and I set my drink down about 5 different times then came back to it...granted that's a bridal shower. The only drugs that might be slipped to me there would be from Aunt Mabel who resented me for buying the pizza wheel off the registry. But still. If you leave your drink, get a new one. Or just keep it with you.
NOTE: If my mom reads this she will be SO pleased that I put this tip in here as she first gave it to me on my way to my first boy-girl party in 7th grade. Love you Madre.
Always Make Sure Someone Knows Where You Are
--Obviously if you're going on a date it will not be a group activity. It is a good idea, if not imperative, to let a friend know where you're going, with whom you are going, etc. in case shit goes Lifetime. Make sure when you are planning the date that you get the name of where you're going and the general location. Tell a friend these details, and if it looks like the date is going a weird direction make a quick stop in the bathroom and shoot your friend a text. It sounds crazy and over-cautious but seriously. You just never know sometimes.
If You're Not Driving...
--Google the name/number of a taxi company in the area or be aware of train or other public transportation schedules. Have these in your phone and readily accessible just in case. I would encourage driving yourself whenever possible if it's a new acquaintance, that way you won't have too much to drink and you can leave whenever if you have to.
Eat A Little Before Dinner
--A glass of wine with dinner never hurt anyone, but too much can impair judgment (even if you are a tank like myself). If you know your evening will entail some adult-type beverages, eat some carbs before you go out. You don't need to eat a foot-long sub by any means, but maybe a piece of toast or some cereal...this way you have some food in your system. If you're anti or low-carb, eat some Greek yogurt (lots of protein fills you up without making it impossible to eat dinner). You won't be starving and over-eat at dinner, and you'll have some food to absorb the pre-dinner cocktail.
All That Being Said...
Ok, ok, obviously not everyone is an axe murderer. And you certainly shouldn't step into any situation thinking something terrible is going to happen. I merely post a few tips because it's just important to have a plan in mind when going out in 2010. Plan In Mind=Peace Of Mind, and having both will ultimately empower you and allow you to have a better time out on the town anyway. Have a safe and sparkling weekend!
Go Out in Groups (Duh...but I had to add it)
--Make sure if you're heading out, you go in a group of 2 or more (you too guys). There really is strength in numbers, and if something weird begins to happen you've got people who have your back. If you do find that you are stir-crazy and need to get out flying solo, go somewhere local where you know two or more of the bartenders/servers. This way you are seen and in a familiar territory.
Buddy System
--Don't go into the bathroom by yourself (the actual business you can do by yourself). Don't go up to the bar by yourself (unless there is a clear sight-line from your group to there). Don't go out to the car by yourself. Don't go out to have a smoke by yourself. Don't go out to make a call by yourself. Am I boring you? Seriously. Drag whatever person is closest to you where you need to go. The way cheetahs get their prey is to separate them from the herd. Don't be the wounded gazelle!
Have A Designated MSP (Mostly-Sober Person)
--Most people have a DD (Designated Driver) when they go out, but you should also have a Designated MSP. Obviously if you're out at a party or a bar for 5-6 hours, even the DD can have a drink that they can safely oxidize before getting behind the wheel. The trick is to make sure you have someone present who will keep a level head in case things get out of hand. Usually this can be the person who has work the earliest the next morning. They don't have to drink water all night, but at least you know there's someone who's aware of things.
NEVER, EVER, EVER Leave Your Drink Unattended
--We all know what happens if you do that. You may be thinking "What does this chick think I was born yesterday?" But seriously...you'd be surprised how habitual it becomes to set your drink down for a sec then come back to it. We've all played the "Which cup was mine?" game. The other day I was at a bridal shower and I set my drink down about 5 different times then came back to it...granted that's a bridal shower. The only drugs that might be slipped to me there would be from Aunt Mabel who resented me for buying the pizza wheel off the registry. But still. If you leave your drink, get a new one. Or just keep it with you.
NOTE: If my mom reads this she will be SO pleased that I put this tip in here as she first gave it to me on my way to my first boy-girl party in 7th grade. Love you Madre.
Always Make Sure Someone Knows Where You Are
--Obviously if you're going on a date it will not be a group activity. It is a good idea, if not imperative, to let a friend know where you're going, with whom you are going, etc. in case shit goes Lifetime. Make sure when you are planning the date that you get the name of where you're going and the general location. Tell a friend these details, and if it looks like the date is going a weird direction make a quick stop in the bathroom and shoot your friend a text. It sounds crazy and over-cautious but seriously. You just never know sometimes.
If You're Not Driving...
--Google the name/number of a taxi company in the area or be aware of train or other public transportation schedules. Have these in your phone and readily accessible just in case. I would encourage driving yourself whenever possible if it's a new acquaintance, that way you won't have too much to drink and you can leave whenever if you have to.
Eat A Little Before Dinner
--A glass of wine with dinner never hurt anyone, but too much can impair judgment (even if you are a tank like myself). If you know your evening will entail some adult-type beverages, eat some carbs before you go out. You don't need to eat a foot-long sub by any means, but maybe a piece of toast or some cereal...this way you have some food in your system. If you're anti or low-carb, eat some Greek yogurt (lots of protein fills you up without making it impossible to eat dinner). You won't be starving and over-eat at dinner, and you'll have some food to absorb the pre-dinner cocktail.
All That Being Said...
Ok, ok, obviously not everyone is an axe murderer. And you certainly shouldn't step into any situation thinking something terrible is going to happen. I merely post a few tips because it's just important to have a plan in mind when going out in 2010. Plan In Mind=Peace Of Mind, and having both will ultimately empower you and allow you to have a better time out on the town anyway. Have a safe and sparkling weekend!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Early TIACD Post
I will be sunning myself on a beach tomorrow so I decided to post the Things I Am Currently Digging a day early this week so as not to leave you, my faithful readers, without for the 2nd week in a row. I know, how thoughtful! Anyway...here are this week's contenders!
New Mascara I LOVE LOVE LOVE: Lash Lust in Blackest Black from Victoria's Secret
--Legit I like it better than the last mascara I told you about (which is still good, but this stuff is AMAZING). Your eyelashes end up looking like the picture on the box I swear. My baby lashes were completely transformed. Get it. $15. You'll never go back.
http://http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265273300469&c=Page&cid=1265275330878&collAssetType=LBIProductSet&pagename=vsdWrapper
Neutrogena Fresh Cooling Body Mist Sunblock (SPF 45)
--This is my favorite sunscreen ever. It isn't greasy, and it has a cooling sensation when you spray it so you typically won't forget to apply it while sweating it out in the sand. Good coverage, and it still sprays upside-down, so single people like me can do our backs all by ourselves. :)
http://http://www.amazon.com/Neutrogena-Cooling-Sunblock-Patented-HelioplexTM/dp/B000FFFTGK
Barefoot Pinot Grigio
--I'm typically more of a red wine drinker, but in the summer this delightful wine has been a favorite! Served chilled, it's great to sip on during a hot day. Not too sweet, not too dry, and it goes really well with raspberries and strawberries (well, it goes really well with ANYTHING). And for something as good as this it only costs $5-$8! Bring this to your next barbecue and you'll be the savior of the party. Swear.
http://http://www.barefootwine.com/our-wines/overview/white/PinotGrigio.html
Spending Time With Family And Friends (well, this I dig every day...but still)
--As I head off to the beach to see 2/3 of my lovely family members I think of how great this summer has been to spend all the time I have with the people I love. School starts soon, which will inevitably change the schedule yet again, it has been so nice. I hope all of you have had time to wreak some havoc with your friends and kick back and enjoy some vino with your fam. Mmhmm.
Happy Hump Day all!
New Mascara I LOVE LOVE LOVE: Lash Lust in Blackest Black from Victoria's Secret
--Legit I like it better than the last mascara I told you about (which is still good, but this stuff is AMAZING). Your eyelashes end up looking like the picture on the box I swear. My baby lashes were completely transformed. Get it. $15. You'll never go back.
http://http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265273300469&c=Page&cid=1265275330878&collAssetType=LBIProductSet&pagename=vsdWrapper
Neutrogena Fresh Cooling Body Mist Sunblock (SPF 45)
--This is my favorite sunscreen ever. It isn't greasy, and it has a cooling sensation when you spray it so you typically won't forget to apply it while sweating it out in the sand. Good coverage, and it still sprays upside-down, so single people like me can do our backs all by ourselves. :)
http://http://www.amazon.com/Neutrogena-Cooling-Sunblock-Patented-HelioplexTM/dp/B000FFFTGK
Barefoot Pinot Grigio
--I'm typically more of a red wine drinker, but in the summer this delightful wine has been a favorite! Served chilled, it's great to sip on during a hot day. Not too sweet, not too dry, and it goes really well with raspberries and strawberries (well, it goes really well with ANYTHING). And for something as good as this it only costs $5-$8! Bring this to your next barbecue and you'll be the savior of the party. Swear.
http://http://www.barefootwine.com/our-wines/overview/white/PinotGrigio.html
Spending Time With Family And Friends (well, this I dig every day...but still)
--As I head off to the beach to see 2/3 of my lovely family members I think of how great this summer has been to spend all the time I have with the people I love. School starts soon, which will inevitably change the schedule yet again, it has been so nice. I hope all of you have had time to wreak some havoc with your friends and kick back and enjoy some vino with your fam. Mmhmm.
Happy Hump Day all!
Monday, August 9, 2010
This Guy Walks Into A Bar And Says....
This past weekend I went to a bachelorette party for my friend from college. So we were out at some swanky places and I began contemplating the joke "A guy walks into a bar. What does he say?" Most people would answer "Ouch." While this is what many guys end UP saying, they usually lead with some different things.
Before I really begin my stories/theories on this subject I must make a note: Guys who talk to girls in bars are the bravest people on the planet with the exception of firefighters and soldiers. Some of the shoulders they get are so cold it would turn your Coors Light mountains blue in a heartbeat. Gentlemen, this post is mostly anecdotal with some minor advice points...don't stop talking to girls in bars..you never know how a night can turn out. I applaud all of you, because most of the time it's not you, it's us. And having experienced rejection in a bar like, twice, I can tell you that the way you folks get back on the horse is commendable to say the least.
Having said that, I can continue with a clear conscience. So here are some things that happened to me this weekend that will make you laugh, cry, and cringe, and my take on the aftermath.
First event of the night...we're in this club, the scene is cool and trendy and all sorts of fun bachelorette-y type things. As I am making my way to the bar to grab a glass of wine, this guy touches my arm and says "Where are you going?" Hello? I'm at a bar, I'm walking toward the bar, and my hands are noticeably empty. Hmmmm. The worst part? After I smiled and told him my destination, he didn't even buy me the glass of wine. Hmph.
NOTE: In retrospect, I admit my form must have been intimidating, being a relatively tall person already with my heels making me close to 5' 11", the poor guy was probably afraid I would beat him up, or worse, trip over him. And I was surrounded by gaggle of good-looking women. These are just observations.
The next thing, we're at this pub and this seemingly creepy guy starts talking to me, asking me when my friend is getting married, etc. Now, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, i.e. I was willing to overlook the creep factor in order to carry a conversation because I am friendly and you can't judge a book by its cover. BUT this guy was legit CREEPY. He's getting all up in my grill, which is theoretically acceptable at a loud bar, but seriously. Personal space bubble violation=uncool. The worst part was when I had pretty much fended him off, both from me and my soon-to-be-married friend, he began to circle around the table talking to all of the girls who were with me, opening with the same line. I mean seriously...what are we in some kind of police line-up? Cut your losses bro.
I do believe I also fended off another somewhat questionable personal space invader by confessing to be a lesbian (I wish I could say it's the first time I used that one). I am not one...but it does work in a pinch.
The point is guys, when in an awkward social situation, such as a loud bar, there are a few things I should point out:
--Most of the time girls who give you the cold shoulder have boyfriends, have been dumped by their boyfriends and hate the race of men, or are genuinely not interested for reasons beyond the comprehension of the mortal realm.
--Confidence is key. No need to be all Mike the Situation cocky-like. Just chill. And don't hover or come out any shadows. Make eye contact first before beginning the initial approach.
--If a girl in a group says "No thank you," don't try and hit up the rest of her friends. It makes things weird (Example: the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Andrew Keegan leaves with Gabrielle Union instead of Alex Mack, and Alex Mack gets mad, even though she didn't really want Andrew Keegan...you know, at Bogey's party? Classic.)
--Most girls have been taught never to meet men in bars. Unless it's at happy hour..
--The fear of rejection is legitimate, but ultimately a silly habit. Everyone gets rejected (like I said, it's happened to me twice...). It's annoying, but where better to have it happen than in a bar? Keep up the good work.
WARNING: These are not proven tactics to impress women in loud social situations. Merely anthropological observations from someone who's seen the good, the bad, and the scary.
So there you have ladies and gents. Some stories and some tips for the road. Ultimate conclusion: when you guys DO walk into a bar...make sure the joke isn't on you. Happy Almost Hump-Day!
Before I really begin my stories/theories on this subject I must make a note: Guys who talk to girls in bars are the bravest people on the planet with the exception of firefighters and soldiers. Some of the shoulders they get are so cold it would turn your Coors Light mountains blue in a heartbeat. Gentlemen, this post is mostly anecdotal with some minor advice points...don't stop talking to girls in bars..you never know how a night can turn out. I applaud all of you, because most of the time it's not you, it's us. And having experienced rejection in a bar like, twice, I can tell you that the way you folks get back on the horse is commendable to say the least.
Having said that, I can continue with a clear conscience. So here are some things that happened to me this weekend that will make you laugh, cry, and cringe, and my take on the aftermath.
First event of the night...we're in this club, the scene is cool and trendy and all sorts of fun bachelorette-y type things. As I am making my way to the bar to grab a glass of wine, this guy touches my arm and says "Where are you going?" Hello? I'm at a bar, I'm walking toward the bar, and my hands are noticeably empty. Hmmmm. The worst part? After I smiled and told him my destination, he didn't even buy me the glass of wine. Hmph.
NOTE: In retrospect, I admit my form must have been intimidating, being a relatively tall person already with my heels making me close to 5' 11", the poor guy was probably afraid I would beat him up, or worse, trip over him. And I was surrounded by gaggle of good-looking women. These are just observations.
The next thing, we're at this pub and this seemingly creepy guy starts talking to me, asking me when my friend is getting married, etc. Now, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, i.e. I was willing to overlook the creep factor in order to carry a conversation because I am friendly and you can't judge a book by its cover. BUT this guy was legit CREEPY. He's getting all up in my grill, which is theoretically acceptable at a loud bar, but seriously. Personal space bubble violation=uncool. The worst part was when I had pretty much fended him off, both from me and my soon-to-be-married friend, he began to circle around the table talking to all of the girls who were with me, opening with the same line. I mean seriously...what are we in some kind of police line-up? Cut your losses bro.
I do believe I also fended off another somewhat questionable personal space invader by confessing to be a lesbian (I wish I could say it's the first time I used that one). I am not one...but it does work in a pinch.
The point is guys, when in an awkward social situation, such as a loud bar, there are a few things I should point out:
--Most of the time girls who give you the cold shoulder have boyfriends, have been dumped by their boyfriends and hate the race of men, or are genuinely not interested for reasons beyond the comprehension of the mortal realm.
--Confidence is key. No need to be all Mike the Situation cocky-like. Just chill. And don't hover or come out any shadows. Make eye contact first before beginning the initial approach.
--If a girl in a group says "No thank you," don't try and hit up the rest of her friends. It makes things weird (Example: the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Andrew Keegan leaves with Gabrielle Union instead of Alex Mack, and Alex Mack gets mad, even though she didn't really want Andrew Keegan...you know, at Bogey's party? Classic.)
--Most girls have been taught never to meet men in bars. Unless it's at happy hour..
--The fear of rejection is legitimate, but ultimately a silly habit. Everyone gets rejected (like I said, it's happened to me twice...). It's annoying, but where better to have it happen than in a bar? Keep up the good work.
WARNING: These are not proven tactics to impress women in loud social situations. Merely anthropological observations from someone who's seen the good, the bad, and the scary.
So there you have ladies and gents. Some stories and some tips for the road. Ultimate conclusion: when you guys DO walk into a bar...make sure the joke isn't on you. Happy Almost Hump-Day!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Please Hold..
I am told no one my age knows what they want. At least beyond the fact that most of us definitely know we want more money, since we're all broke as smokes and spending what we do have on happy hour specials, but I digress. Perhaps it is true that we 20-somethings don't know what we want, in life, and in dating. I have been in more than one situation where myself or the other party "isn't sure," what they want or where this is going. It's a weird place, hard to navigate, and more often than not, someone ends up feeling crummy. So what do you do when someone says "Please hold?" I have narrowed this down to three options:
-OPTION 1: HOLD
--Wait for the person to figure it out. Sometimes, your gut tells you something is good, and it's worth seeing where you'll come out on the other side. It's all very romantic of course. When the person shows up on your doorstep and re-established the connection it's all very wonderful. But unfortunately all very seldom. Beyond that, is of course, the possibility of wasted time and wasted opportunities. You spend all your time on hold with this one caller and you don't take any others. My caveat: just because you're on hold doesn't mean the other party isn't taking other calls.
-OPTION 2: HOLD...Sort of..
--While you definitely want to keep the line open, it is possible that you can see other people during this period. Sort of like putting the phone on speaker so you can still hear if the other line picks up, but you can, perhaps, write a blog while you're waiting. This can be fun, and a nice diversion from the fact that you're waiting a bit. The warning for this option is to not become the enemy as it were. If you're holding for someone while hanging out with other people, chances are you'll end up putting the other people on hold, even if you don't mean to. Make sure you're prepared for any consequences.
-OPTION 3: HANG UP
--This is probably the best idea of the three. Most of the time people who put you on hold will end up hanging up on you first, and you won't even know it until the dial tone starts. While idea three is the most pragmatic, it is also the most harsh. A lot can be said for taking some space.
The problem with people who put you on hold is they often suffer (unknowingly) from "Have Your Cake, Eat It Too" syndrome. They want you around when they're ready, but they are not willing to compromise for your needs. They don't quite know what they want, but they don't want to give up the prospect of something good until they are good and ready. I would love to tell you that everyone who has this syndrome is an inconsiderate poop-face, but I find, more often, they are just a bit wayward and lacking in awareness. Many people will tell you "If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you." This is often true, but sometimes, people just do need a little space to contemplate the changes that may lie ahead if they take the proverbial plunge.
The trick to being on hold is to not actually view it as being on hold. Waiting around is for the birds, particularly when a lack of self-awareness is involved. If you know what you want, you should find someone who also knows what they want (preferably something similar to what you want that is...). I admit, sometimes what I end up wanting is to stick it out for a bit to see what can come of the situation. But too often in my life it has taken me FAR too long to figure out when to hang up. So rather than being on hold, or straight hanging up on someone, try looking at it as giving the person the opportunity to call you back. You're not on hold, the lines of communication are open, and it gives you enough breathing room to really decide if you even want to take the call if or when it comes. Happy Friday!
The problem with people who put you on hold is they often suffer (unknowingly) from "Have Your Cake, Eat It Too" syndrome. They want you around when they're ready, but they are not willing to compromise for your needs. They don't quite know what they want, but they don't want to give up the prospect of something good until they are good and ready. I would love to tell you that everyone who has this syndrome is an inconsiderate poop-face, but I find, more often, they are just a bit wayward and lacking in awareness. Many people will tell you "If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you." This is often true, but sometimes, people just do need a little space to contemplate the changes that may lie ahead if they take the proverbial plunge.
The trick to being on hold is to not actually view it as being on hold. Waiting around is for the birds, particularly when a lack of self-awareness is involved. If you know what you want, you should find someone who also knows what they want (preferably something similar to what you want that is...). I admit, sometimes what I end up wanting is to stick it out for a bit to see what can come of the situation. But too often in my life it has taken me FAR too long to figure out when to hang up. So rather than being on hold, or straight hanging up on someone, try looking at it as giving the person the opportunity to call you back. You're not on hold, the lines of communication are open, and it gives you enough breathing room to really decide if you even want to take the call if or when it comes. Happy Friday!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Fitness Post
A friend of mine pointed out to me once that as single people, we tend to have a decent amount of time to spend to ourselves during the course of 24 hours. He postulated that in a 24-hour day, at least during the work week, you work about 8 hours, maybe a 2-hour happy hour, then you're on your own for 14 hours (more like 7 depending on how much beauty sleep you need). So one thing I have found to occupy this time is working out. I shall dedicate this post to my ideas on fitness. By no means do I claim that I am the first or last person to put these ideas out there. I also do not mean to claim that single people are the only people in the world who work out. So take this with a grain of salt, maybe you'll find an idea that works for you.
My journey with working out began when I was 17, a senior in high school. I never played any sports (not for lack of trying mind you), but up until this point I never had to worry about exercising. My metabolism took care of it. Then one day my clothes started getting REALLY tight...I stepped on the scale and immediately started screaming. Not that I was overweight, but I knew I had to get myself into shape. So I began doing exercise videos (Denise Austin is a goddess), running a bit, just trying to be more active. As I got more and more into working out I realized that so many people tell you what WILL most definitely work for you and what you MUST do to get any results at all. I also realized that nine times out of ten these did not work for me. So I have come up with my own fitness tips that i find a little more universal. Take them or leave them for sure, every body is different.
-Find a Work-Out or Fitness Regimen You Like
--I used to kill myself running all the time because I thought that is what people did to get in shape. While it does work for most, I found that because I hated it so much the results came much more slowly. I will admit to losing weight and toning up due to running, but the way it happened most was when I found a really beautiful place to run. Treadmills are my doom...for some people they work wonders. For me scenery and a kick-butt work-out mix on my iPod make it a little more possible to enjoy the time. Once I found a way to run that I actually enjoyed, I was more apt to do it and to get results. I also discovered the wonder that is Pilates. I LOVE Pilates. I usually go once or twice a week at the gym where I belong. Great core work-out, good for strength and flexibility. Again, I have to believe it works so well for my body because I love doing it so much.
-Don't Be Afraid to Take a Break
--Another thing you hear a lot in the fitness realm is "No pain, no gain," or my personal favorite "Pain is weakness leaving the body." No, no, no, no. If you are feeling burn or tired or like if you do one more squat your legs will turn into jelly that's just exertion. If you feel legitimate pain you are probably doing damage to a part of your body. The thing is, no matter how much you work out there is always room to improve and build. If you push yourself too hard you will a) be too sore to work out the next day, b) do more harm than good to your body, and c) not feel as great about your work-out as you could have because you probably needed to stop early.
Pushing ourselves toward a goal is fantastic, but we must remember that our bodies are organic things that need rest. If you work out every day, more power to you. For me, this did not work because going to the gym became a stressful experience. I felt like "If I don't go the day is a waste." Not true. As you continue working out you will become more in tune with what your body is telling you. Some days you just need to skip the intense time at the gym. On those days, I usually go for a walk with a friend and enjoy some conversation. Still somewhat active but not bringing my body to the point of no return.
-What You Eat
--My body is crazy. My metabolism is crazy. Most diet regimens fail miserably for me. The best thing I have found to cope with how to eat healthy to supplement my work-out is called The Slow-Down Diet by Marc David. This guy changed my life. See how you like it. But to each their own in this realm because the way I eat boggles many minds. :)
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+slow-down+diet+marc+david&ih=12_12_3_0_0_1_0_1_0_1.63_54&fsc=-1
-HYDRATE
--I used to HATE water. But as I have gone through my fitness journey I realize that it is completely indispensable during a work-out. Not only does it give me a little more energy to carry on, but the hydration keeps me from being quite as sore the next day. Don't get me wrong, it is certainly not a cure-all...I still have my days where I try to use my powers of telekinesis to get my cereal down from the top shelf of the cabinet. But hydrating myself definitely takes the edge off.
-STRETCH
--I used to hate stretching, both before and after a work-out. Before I work out I just want to get going. After I'm like "I've been here forever I just want to go home." But I read this study (see below) that actually said that people who add stretching to their fitness routine build more lean muscle more quickly than those who do not. A really good analogy I read once was that your muscles are like pasta noodles. If you don't cook pasta noodles, they are brittle and they can break, but if you cook them they are flexible, softer, and you can do more with them.
Moral of this paragraph: Even if it's annoying, spend 5 minutes at the end of your work-out to stretch your muscles. Some people say 30 seconds per side...that's a lot. Generally I devote 3-5 deep breaths per side per muscle group worked. Takes about 2-3 minutes and you're outta there.
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/stretching-benefits
(don't worry boys..just because it's from Women's Health Magazine doesn't mean it can't apply to you).
-Get a Sweet Music Mix
--I have known only a few people who can work out without music. To you, oh valiant few, I tip my hat. It is impossible for me to work out without music. Download 30-60 minutes worth of music to accompany your work-out. You won't regret it. My person mix ranges from Berlioz to Beyonce depending on the day.
-Be Positive and Thank Your Body During and After Your Work-Out
--I know this sounds a little cheesy, but I tell you it works. I spent so much time discouraging myself throughout my work-outs and not seeing the results. I would think "Move it along slow-poke, you're not strong enough, blah blah blah." Are you surprised my body basically said "Forget you!" So I re-vamped, and now as I go through my exercise routines I encourage myself and think positively toward my muscles. After my work-out and during my stretching I thank my body for all of its hard work, and wouldn't you know it...I swear I've never felt better or been in better shape in my life. It's all in your attitude.
So there are my few, but hopefully helpful fitness tips. Maybe they work for you, maybe they don't. Every BODY is different (hehe). Happy fitness and happy Tuesday!
My journey with working out began when I was 17, a senior in high school. I never played any sports (not for lack of trying mind you), but up until this point I never had to worry about exercising. My metabolism took care of it. Then one day my clothes started getting REALLY tight...I stepped on the scale and immediately started screaming. Not that I was overweight, but I knew I had to get myself into shape. So I began doing exercise videos (Denise Austin is a goddess), running a bit, just trying to be more active. As I got more and more into working out I realized that so many people tell you what WILL most definitely work for you and what you MUST do to get any results at all. I also realized that nine times out of ten these did not work for me. So I have come up with my own fitness tips that i find a little more universal. Take them or leave them for sure, every body is different.
-Find a Work-Out or Fitness Regimen You Like
--I used to kill myself running all the time because I thought that is what people did to get in shape. While it does work for most, I found that because I hated it so much the results came much more slowly. I will admit to losing weight and toning up due to running, but the way it happened most was when I found a really beautiful place to run. Treadmills are my doom...for some people they work wonders. For me scenery and a kick-butt work-out mix on my iPod make it a little more possible to enjoy the time. Once I found a way to run that I actually enjoyed, I was more apt to do it and to get results. I also discovered the wonder that is Pilates. I LOVE Pilates. I usually go once or twice a week at the gym where I belong. Great core work-out, good for strength and flexibility. Again, I have to believe it works so well for my body because I love doing it so much.
-Don't Be Afraid to Take a Break
--Another thing you hear a lot in the fitness realm is "No pain, no gain," or my personal favorite "Pain is weakness leaving the body." No, no, no, no. If you are feeling burn or tired or like if you do one more squat your legs will turn into jelly that's just exertion. If you feel legitimate pain you are probably doing damage to a part of your body. The thing is, no matter how much you work out there is always room to improve and build. If you push yourself too hard you will a) be too sore to work out the next day, b) do more harm than good to your body, and c) not feel as great about your work-out as you could have because you probably needed to stop early.
Pushing ourselves toward a goal is fantastic, but we must remember that our bodies are organic things that need rest. If you work out every day, more power to you. For me, this did not work because going to the gym became a stressful experience. I felt like "If I don't go the day is a waste." Not true. As you continue working out you will become more in tune with what your body is telling you. Some days you just need to skip the intense time at the gym. On those days, I usually go for a walk with a friend and enjoy some conversation. Still somewhat active but not bringing my body to the point of no return.
-What You Eat
--My body is crazy. My metabolism is crazy. Most diet regimens fail miserably for me. The best thing I have found to cope with how to eat healthy to supplement my work-out is called The Slow-Down Diet by Marc David. This guy changed my life. See how you like it. But to each their own in this realm because the way I eat boggles many minds. :)
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+slow-down+diet+marc+david&ih=12_12_3_0_0_1_0_1_0_1.63_54&fsc=-1
-HYDRATE
--I used to HATE water. But as I have gone through my fitness journey I realize that it is completely indispensable during a work-out. Not only does it give me a little more energy to carry on, but the hydration keeps me from being quite as sore the next day. Don't get me wrong, it is certainly not a cure-all...I still have my days where I try to use my powers of telekinesis to get my cereal down from the top shelf of the cabinet. But hydrating myself definitely takes the edge off.
-STRETCH
--I used to hate stretching, both before and after a work-out. Before I work out I just want to get going. After I'm like "I've been here forever I just want to go home." But I read this study (see below) that actually said that people who add stretching to their fitness routine build more lean muscle more quickly than those who do not. A really good analogy I read once was that your muscles are like pasta noodles. If you don't cook pasta noodles, they are brittle and they can break, but if you cook them they are flexible, softer, and you can do more with them.
Moral of this paragraph: Even if it's annoying, spend 5 minutes at the end of your work-out to stretch your muscles. Some people say 30 seconds per side...that's a lot. Generally I devote 3-5 deep breaths per side per muscle group worked. Takes about 2-3 minutes and you're outta there.
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/stretching-benefits
(don't worry boys..just because it's from Women's Health Magazine doesn't mean it can't apply to you).
-Get a Sweet Music Mix
--I have known only a few people who can work out without music. To you, oh valiant few, I tip my hat. It is impossible for me to work out without music. Download 30-60 minutes worth of music to accompany your work-out. You won't regret it. My person mix ranges from Berlioz to Beyonce depending on the day.
-Be Positive and Thank Your Body During and After Your Work-Out
--I know this sounds a little cheesy, but I tell you it works. I spent so much time discouraging myself throughout my work-outs and not seeing the results. I would think "Move it along slow-poke, you're not strong enough, blah blah blah." Are you surprised my body basically said "Forget you!" So I re-vamped, and now as I go through my exercise routines I encourage myself and think positively toward my muscles. After my work-out and during my stretching I thank my body for all of its hard work, and wouldn't you know it...I swear I've never felt better or been in better shape in my life. It's all in your attitude.
So there are my few, but hopefully helpful fitness tips. Maybe they work for you, maybe they don't. Every BODY is different (hehe). Happy fitness and happy Tuesday!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Sunday Post
While I usually take Sundays as a day of rest from my blogging life, I find that on this particular Sunday it is cloudy, grey, and I am more bored than usual at work. So I give a little bit more of a melancholic entry today.
I try and work out with my personal trainer once every two-three weeks (it was every week until I decided to move in on my own sans roommate but plus two rather needy but completely adorable felines...alas). While we work out I fill him in on my life, not so much because he wants to know, but it's the only way I can possibly get through the number of sets and reps he tells me to do without dying on the spot. So one day, I'm telling him about this guy and how he's being stupid, canceled plans last minute, etc. etc. And he goes "Meg, girls are attracted to JERKS."
[NOTE: When I was growing up and I would tell my dad about people who irked me and he would say "Megan, those people are assholes. But because that's a profanity, we'll say the biblical term for those people is JERKS." Hence my fairly regular usage of the term.]
So my trainer tells me this and I say "Maybe MOST girls are, but I'm not. Usually I can peg them, hence my consternation with this particular boy." He proceeds to tell me "No girls like nice guys. They want the JERK. They want to tame him, make him change." Then we launched into a particularly painful set of squat jumps and kettle bell things which I took to mean he didn't want to debate the issue.
After my workout (which I barely survived...hurts so good!), I mused upon this theory. I thought, "I'm not that girl...." and then that stupid voice we all hear but hate to listen to says "Or are you?" So I head into self-examination (and a decent amount of cabernet sauvignon), a little worried about where I will come out.
As you have probably gathered from this blog, I date and/or go on dates fairly frequently. And most of the time it's with supremely nice guys (key word NICE). They are good-looking, respectful, hold-the-door-pick-up-the-tab-tell-you-you're-pretty-laugh-at-all-your-stupid-jokes, nice guys. Yet, when I am out with these gentlemen, I am consistently avoiding the topic of relationships, futures, innuendo, etc. like the plague. I even plan my exit strategy, which more often than not I employ via phone several days later. When I tell my friends about these situations they say "Well, what was wrong with him?" And I say, "Nothing. It just wasn't right."
Then I go out with a guy who seems to be all that and a bag of chips, maybe we get the relationship level, maybe we don't...but when they inevitably terminate the arrangement I am left, like, pining for them. And then I think about all those nice guys who would NEVER even ENTERTAIN the thought of letting me go (well, in theory anyway), and I think...Were they all "not right," or am I the one who is "not right?" I mean, how many failures can there be before I actually have to realize, for real...it's not them, it's me?
PAUSE: All this is a little heavy, even for a melancholy Sunday. More likely than not during this time of self-examination I nixed the cab sauv and went straight to my good friend Jameson..feel free to follow the lead. A little chuckle...and onward.
My conclusion comes down to two major points:
1. Girls may be attracted to JERKS, but so are boys. At the end of all my pondering I have to wonder if we don't all have a little JERK inside of us. As many times as I have been the reject-EE, I have probably just as many times been the reject-OR. I shudder to think how many wonderful gentlemen are out there cursing my name and labeling me the way I label the men who wound my pride (not that I flatter myself that they even remember me...but still). And besides, if we act like a JERK once or twice, are we doomed to be that way forever? Can our JERKY actions actually be justified? Don't get me wrong..some people are just born to be JERKS, but what about everyone else like me? Which leads me to my next point...
2. When the situation is right, the guy (or girl depending on your preference) will be nice. I mean, in order to find the "right" thing we all have to be JERKS or have JERKY things done to us right? Anyone who has been through a terrible relationship ordeal, but has had the opportunity to like, love, or be infatuated ever again probably thinks..."If that hadn't happened, then this good thing wouldn't be happening," or something probably way more corny and beautiful than that. Right?
So in the end, I have been a JERK, and people have been JERKS to me. And I can't say I never get a little wistful about the nice guys I have left in my wake of terror. "Maybe if I could have, maybe if he were, maybe if the situation," the list goes on. But I guess what it comes down to is I know I made the right, if not necessarily the smartest, decision. They say what we dislike in other people is what we dislike most in ourselves. Maybe I end up liking then disliking JERKS because, at heart, I'm still growing into someone who isn't one.
I try and work out with my personal trainer once every two-three weeks (it was every week until I decided to move in on my own sans roommate but plus two rather needy but completely adorable felines...alas). While we work out I fill him in on my life, not so much because he wants to know, but it's the only way I can possibly get through the number of sets and reps he tells me to do without dying on the spot. So one day, I'm telling him about this guy and how he's being stupid, canceled plans last minute, etc. etc. And he goes "Meg, girls are attracted to JERKS."
[NOTE: When I was growing up and I would tell my dad about people who irked me and he would say "Megan, those people are assholes. But because that's a profanity, we'll say the biblical term for those people is JERKS." Hence my fairly regular usage of the term.]
So my trainer tells me this and I say "Maybe MOST girls are, but I'm not. Usually I can peg them, hence my consternation with this particular boy." He proceeds to tell me "No girls like nice guys. They want the JERK. They want to tame him, make him change." Then we launched into a particularly painful set of squat jumps and kettle bell things which I took to mean he didn't want to debate the issue.
After my workout (which I barely survived...hurts so good!), I mused upon this theory. I thought, "I'm not that girl...." and then that stupid voice we all hear but hate to listen to says "Or are you?" So I head into self-examination (and a decent amount of cabernet sauvignon), a little worried about where I will come out.
As you have probably gathered from this blog, I date and/or go on dates fairly frequently. And most of the time it's with supremely nice guys (key word NICE). They are good-looking, respectful, hold-the-door-pick-up-the-tab-tell-you-you're-pretty-laugh-at-all-your-stupid-jokes, nice guys. Yet, when I am out with these gentlemen, I am consistently avoiding the topic of relationships, futures, innuendo, etc. like the plague. I even plan my exit strategy, which more often than not I employ via phone several days later. When I tell my friends about these situations they say "Well, what was wrong with him?" And I say, "Nothing. It just wasn't right."
Then I go out with a guy who seems to be all that and a bag of chips, maybe we get the relationship level, maybe we don't...but when they inevitably terminate the arrangement I am left, like, pining for them. And then I think about all those nice guys who would NEVER even ENTERTAIN the thought of letting me go (well, in theory anyway), and I think...Were they all "not right," or am I the one who is "not right?" I mean, how many failures can there be before I actually have to realize, for real...it's not them, it's me?
PAUSE: All this is a little heavy, even for a melancholy Sunday. More likely than not during this time of self-examination I nixed the cab sauv and went straight to my good friend Jameson..feel free to follow the lead. A little chuckle...and onward.
My conclusion comes down to two major points:
1. Girls may be attracted to JERKS, but so are boys. At the end of all my pondering I have to wonder if we don't all have a little JERK inside of us. As many times as I have been the reject-EE, I have probably just as many times been the reject-OR. I shudder to think how many wonderful gentlemen are out there cursing my name and labeling me the way I label the men who wound my pride (not that I flatter myself that they even remember me...but still). And besides, if we act like a JERK once or twice, are we doomed to be that way forever? Can our JERKY actions actually be justified? Don't get me wrong..some people are just born to be JERKS, but what about everyone else like me? Which leads me to my next point...
2. When the situation is right, the guy (or girl depending on your preference) will be nice. I mean, in order to find the "right" thing we all have to be JERKS or have JERKY things done to us right? Anyone who has been through a terrible relationship ordeal, but has had the opportunity to like, love, or be infatuated ever again probably thinks..."If that hadn't happened, then this good thing wouldn't be happening," or something probably way more corny and beautiful than that. Right?
So in the end, I have been a JERK, and people have been JERKS to me. And I can't say I never get a little wistful about the nice guys I have left in my wake of terror. "Maybe if I could have, maybe if he were, maybe if the situation," the list goes on. But I guess what it comes down to is I know I made the right, if not necessarily the smartest, decision. They say what we dislike in other people is what we dislike most in ourselves. Maybe I end up liking then disliking JERKS because, at heart, I'm still growing into someone who isn't one.
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