Dictionary.com defines the word responsible as "having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action."
I will tell you something people. Being a responsible adult is TOUGH. You have to go to work, you have to pay bills, you have to keep a schedule, it gets pretty terrifying. But something I am also realizing these days is that being responsible isn't just about paying my bills on time or not going out crazy the night before a long day at work, it's about accepting the fact that I am responsible for my actions as well.
I know it seems an obvious epiphany. In first grade all my teachers said "Worry about yourself," or "You're only responsible for you," but I am just now realizing all that those sayings entail. It used to mean not tattling on the kid copying off my homework (which was almost invariably correct by the way) but now I see more and more that it is about taking responsibility for my actions on a larger scale in life.
For instance, I recently sought the help of my parents to get a hold of credit card debt. The debt was increasing, and I wasn't holding myself accountable for my spending habits. I would pay a decent amount, then see something I wanted or have an emergency and I would simply swipe. Eventually I realized that the amount I was paying back to the credit card people was actually hindering me from putting away money for savings, and sometimes even day-to-day expenses. So I had to go to my parents, all 25 years of me, and have them co-sign the various paperwork that will now ensure a lower payment and essentially make me debt-free by 30 with the exception of student loans (can't put a price on education people). It was hard, even embarrassing. But I realized that until I took responsibility for my actions, I would never be able to live the life and invest in the future I imagined for myself.
A consistent theme for myself and in recent stories I have heard from friends is that of placing blame. Placing blame sounds like "I wouldn't have done this if.." "If only I knew who..." "If he/she hadn't said that.." "If I hadn't been in such a bad way..." "But I really needed to..." etc. I have concocted excuse after excuse so no matter what anyone says, I can get out of accepting responsibility. I have seen countless people come up with INSANE lies, scenarios, and schemes to avoid negative consequences resulting from their own actions. It is exhausting!
We always live in fear of the moment. What if someone finds out? What if they know? What will everyone say? The fact of the matter is, if you do something wrong there will be consequences. They will not typically be pleasant, but I guarantee you if you take responsibility you will see that everything will still be alright and if anything, life will be easier once you let it go. If there's one thing we have learned from celebrity scandals it is that haters gonna hate until the next juicy bite comes along. It is easy to blame someone or something for why we acted a certain way. But no matter what the contributing factors, only you can decide how to proceed.
It is not always what you do either. Other people are going to wrong you as well along the way. Many people have done unsavory things to me in recent times and I will say it would feel so good just to blast them out of the water with my genius revenge tactics. But at the end of the day, I am far from perfect. You can hold people accountable without making them feel like garbage or becoming a villain yourself.
As I navigate the ever-perilous mid-twenties I am coming to the conclusion that rather than worrying about who might find out what I did I should try to do things I don't mind people knowing about. If I am stressing about a purchase before I even get in line, I probably shouldn't buy it. If I am contemplating brilliant revenge techniques I should remember all the times I was treated with grace by those I have wronged. And when I do mess up I should acknowledge my fault, apologize, and realize the world will go on turning. The truth is we are never too old to mess up, but we are old enough to know how to handle it in order to grow up. We are capable of being the best people we can be and accountable for the times when we fail. Ultimately, being responsible means taking the good with the bad, learning from it, and striving to do right consistently in the future, even if that means taking your friend's advice and only instagramming your cats 28 times a week instead of 100. But who's keeping track? Happy Tuesday!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thinks-giving
A lot of people say what they are thankful for at this time of year. I will get to that eventually, but what I really need to talk about is what I am THINK-ful for. It appears that the holidays have become less and less about family, values, time, and love and more about what you can get, when you can get it, and how much you can get it to cost. This point was driven home for me when I saw a commercial saying that some store would be open at 8pm on Thanksgiving. What the heck!? You would take away an employee from their family to come make sales for you? You would leave your family for 20% off the new whatever-madoogle? How much are companies really making and how much are customers really saving? This got me to thinking about my own partial occupation in retail and what this time of year is really about.
It is easy to list what you are thankful for and what you have. But sometimes the holidays can also make blatantly clear what you do not have. Maybe you don't have money, maybe you don't have the job you want, or maybe you don't have a significant other to cuddle with on a snow day. Whatever it may be, there is just as much sadness at the holidays as there is cheer, hope, and wonder. This point is particularly significant to me because I work in an industry that encourages people to consistently think about what they do not have. Is corporate America and consumerism ruining tradition? Are we forgetting the people in exchange for the price? This begs the question, "Who are the people?"
The answer is different for everyone, but I try and think of it like this. Many times this year I have needed a real friend and I have been blessed with several who are always there saying exactly what I need and being exactly what I need. I am thankful for my friend who let me stay at her house while I waited for an apartment even though she just had a baby and started a new relationship. She was there, helpful, loving, and even allowed me to stay for free. I am thankful for my friend who, although we moved apart takes time to check in and have coffee with me; who drops everything on a Sunday to do my hair so even in my darkest hour I can find that shred of confidence. I am thankful for my friend who sends me a thank-you card not knowing it would come at exactly the right time, and who calls me at way-too-late east coast time to make sure I am ok. I am thankful for my friends who meet up with me at the drop of a hat when I am upset. I am thankful for my mom and dad, who know precisely when to talk, when to listen, and when to say "ok I will pay for the shirt." I am thankful for my sister, who is finally coming home. I am even thankful for the people who have exited my life, for what they shared with me, for what I learned, and for how I can be better in the future.
As I think about these people, among the many others who make my life meaningful, I realize that in some way, all these people are customers. The girl who buys the new dress may be the girl who calls her friend at way-too-early west coast time to make sure her friend is ok. The girl who tries on every boot may be the girl who came home from her first job to spend some time with her family. If I think about it this way, it becomes a little easier to swallow that yes, I have to go to bed early on Thanksgiving so I can work on Black Friday. I have often said that everyone has a story, and for as many mean people I get in my store I get just as many caring ones who keep a dress on the hanger so we can put it right back out on the floor when they return it. To me, no matter what the situation, the holidays are about caring for people.
In conclusion, not every customer will be the person who makes it seem alright to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, etc. But I truly believe, that sometimes the shopping experience can really provide an avenue for people to bond, get to know each other, and have a really good laugh. I hope that every person shopping on Thanksgiving is considerate of the employee who left their table to make some magic for you, and I hope that every person working this holiday season sees the light in all of their customers, for better or worse. I am fortunate to have a lot to be thankful and think-ful for this Thanksgiving and I look forward to both the work and the rest, even if it will mean extra gym time to work off my love of stuffing and sweet potatoes. Happy Thanksgiving!
It is easy to list what you are thankful for and what you have. But sometimes the holidays can also make blatantly clear what you do not have. Maybe you don't have money, maybe you don't have the job you want, or maybe you don't have a significant other to cuddle with on a snow day. Whatever it may be, there is just as much sadness at the holidays as there is cheer, hope, and wonder. This point is particularly significant to me because I work in an industry that encourages people to consistently think about what they do not have. Is corporate America and consumerism ruining tradition? Are we forgetting the people in exchange for the price? This begs the question, "Who are the people?"
The answer is different for everyone, but I try and think of it like this. Many times this year I have needed a real friend and I have been blessed with several who are always there saying exactly what I need and being exactly what I need. I am thankful for my friend who let me stay at her house while I waited for an apartment even though she just had a baby and started a new relationship. She was there, helpful, loving, and even allowed me to stay for free. I am thankful for my friend who, although we moved apart takes time to check in and have coffee with me; who drops everything on a Sunday to do my hair so even in my darkest hour I can find that shred of confidence. I am thankful for my friend who sends me a thank-you card not knowing it would come at exactly the right time, and who calls me at way-too-late east coast time to make sure I am ok. I am thankful for my friends who meet up with me at the drop of a hat when I am upset. I am thankful for my mom and dad, who know precisely when to talk, when to listen, and when to say "ok I will pay for the shirt." I am thankful for my sister, who is finally coming home. I am even thankful for the people who have exited my life, for what they shared with me, for what I learned, and for how I can be better in the future.
As I think about these people, among the many others who make my life meaningful, I realize that in some way, all these people are customers. The girl who buys the new dress may be the girl who calls her friend at way-too-early west coast time to make sure her friend is ok. The girl who tries on every boot may be the girl who came home from her first job to spend some time with her family. If I think about it this way, it becomes a little easier to swallow that yes, I have to go to bed early on Thanksgiving so I can work on Black Friday. I have often said that everyone has a story, and for as many mean people I get in my store I get just as many caring ones who keep a dress on the hanger so we can put it right back out on the floor when they return it. To me, no matter what the situation, the holidays are about caring for people.
In conclusion, not every customer will be the person who makes it seem alright to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, etc. But I truly believe, that sometimes the shopping experience can really provide an avenue for people to bond, get to know each other, and have a really good laugh. I hope that every person shopping on Thanksgiving is considerate of the employee who left their table to make some magic for you, and I hope that every person working this holiday season sees the light in all of their customers, for better or worse. I am fortunate to have a lot to be thankful and think-ful for this Thanksgiving and I look forward to both the work and the rest, even if it will mean extra gym time to work off my love of stuffing and sweet potatoes. Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Keeping Time
As a musician, I know about time. There's a time-value for every note, flourish, melody, run, everything. When I think about time in music I think about order, or keeping time. The trick is to keep the same tempo, or speed, throughout the entire piece unless otherwise dictated by the composer. Sometimes the composer wants you to get faster, sometimes slower, sometimes even calando, to slowly die out. Whatever the direction, one of the most important aspects of music is keeping time. This is one reason orchestras have conductors, why musicians have metronomes, and why audiences sometimes find themselves clapping to the beat. Time in music is kind of like the invisible elephant in the room. No one sees it, but everyone knows it's there.
I began thinking about this pretty deeply recently, since everyone keeps saying "I have no time." It comes with the fall I guess. School starts, activities start, people move, babies grow, seasons change, people get married, the holidays approach, etc. It gets crazy! In music, all time has a measure, a value, and you can use time, fast or slow, to evoke emotions from your audience and yourself. But how do you keep time in life?
It appears to me that time in music and time in life are not all that different. Both have measures of rest where you can breathe or relax, and in both you must keep track of where you are so you're not late when you have to play again. You keep the tempo steady while you're playing, you find a pace you can keep in life, and you add in things or activities when the music or when the calendar dictates. At the end of the piece or day, you usually slow down before starting something new or doing it over again.
I can't tell you how many times I have said "I'm sorry I haven't had the time." The thing is, time is a constant, but it is an otherwise empty constant until we fill it. Whenever I say I haven't had time I always know that whatever I forgot simply was not a priority for me. When I fill my time I have things that come first, second, third, and some that aren't even on my radar. I find it tremendously difficult to keep time and make time. I realize though, that in music, there is always time for every detail to unfold exactly the way it should, you just have to work up to incorporating every single one. Life, I find, is the same way. You must work to balance every aspect to make each day a beautiful thing.
In music, if you neglect certain sections, the piece can't go on as it should. We all need to learn that even if we feel we don't have time, we must make time for the things that matter. When I "make" time in music, it is the hours I spend practicing and going back to difficult sections in a piece and making them coalesce with the stronger parts. When I make time in life, I go to the people who mean the most and strengthen my relationships with them so their places in my life are secure.
Life, like music, takes practice. So what do you do when it seems everything is getting away from you? Even in the fastest, most frenetic pieces of music there are rests, or parts where you do not play. The trick is finding where your rests are and what you can do to make the most of them. For instance, my friend and I recently moved to our own separate apartments, and it has been super hard to see her. Instead of trying to hang out at night when we are both exhausted, we make time to have coffee at 8am and debrief before the day starts. We usually meet at a halfway point between our locations, which means going a little out of our way to spend time. To me, that time means more than anything because we take the time to be present with each other even though there is a lot happening. If you know where your rests are or will be, make plans to hang out in advance. It can make all the difference.
You MUST know your priorities. If you can't do 8am coffee, take 4 seconds to send a text and let someone know you're happy to have them as a part of your life. No matter how you keep your time, people are what matter, and if you let other things get in the way, you end up hurting others and yourself. We are blessed to live in a time where communication is instant, and as such does not have to be terribly long. Instead of thriving on what you don't have time for, know what time you do have and use it to better yourself and to let those around you know you care. Sometimes this involves saying "no" to something or working out for 45 minutes instead of an hour, and sometimes it means being 10 minutes late because you stayed in bed with cuddling cats or playing with a baby's feet. Either way, it will make a tremendous difference to the people who care about you to know that they play a significant part in the music of your every day life.
In conclusion, in music and life, you can never really "keep" time. Time is always moving, and even when you set a value and a beat to it, eventually the piece ends and everything that was played becomes a memory. However you spend your time today, it can never happen exactly that same way again. When I make music I realize I am using the time to work and love simultaneously. I work to make the piece beautiful and perfect, but I love to make the music in any capacity. I must learn to work effectively and love effectively in my daily life. Even though we never truly know how much time we have, there is always time to learn. Happy Tuesday!
I began thinking about this pretty deeply recently, since everyone keeps saying "I have no time." It comes with the fall I guess. School starts, activities start, people move, babies grow, seasons change, people get married, the holidays approach, etc. It gets crazy! In music, all time has a measure, a value, and you can use time, fast or slow, to evoke emotions from your audience and yourself. But how do you keep time in life?
It appears to me that time in music and time in life are not all that different. Both have measures of rest where you can breathe or relax, and in both you must keep track of where you are so you're not late when you have to play again. You keep the tempo steady while you're playing, you find a pace you can keep in life, and you add in things or activities when the music or when the calendar dictates. At the end of the piece or day, you usually slow down before starting something new or doing it over again.
I can't tell you how many times I have said "I'm sorry I haven't had the time." The thing is, time is a constant, but it is an otherwise empty constant until we fill it. Whenever I say I haven't had time I always know that whatever I forgot simply was not a priority for me. When I fill my time I have things that come first, second, third, and some that aren't even on my radar. I find it tremendously difficult to keep time and make time. I realize though, that in music, there is always time for every detail to unfold exactly the way it should, you just have to work up to incorporating every single one. Life, I find, is the same way. You must work to balance every aspect to make each day a beautiful thing.
In music, if you neglect certain sections, the piece can't go on as it should. We all need to learn that even if we feel we don't have time, we must make time for the things that matter. When I "make" time in music, it is the hours I spend practicing and going back to difficult sections in a piece and making them coalesce with the stronger parts. When I make time in life, I go to the people who mean the most and strengthen my relationships with them so their places in my life are secure.
Life, like music, takes practice. So what do you do when it seems everything is getting away from you? Even in the fastest, most frenetic pieces of music there are rests, or parts where you do not play. The trick is finding where your rests are and what you can do to make the most of them. For instance, my friend and I recently moved to our own separate apartments, and it has been super hard to see her. Instead of trying to hang out at night when we are both exhausted, we make time to have coffee at 8am and debrief before the day starts. We usually meet at a halfway point between our locations, which means going a little out of our way to spend time. To me, that time means more than anything because we take the time to be present with each other even though there is a lot happening. If you know where your rests are or will be, make plans to hang out in advance. It can make all the difference.
You MUST know your priorities. If you can't do 8am coffee, take 4 seconds to send a text and let someone know you're happy to have them as a part of your life. No matter how you keep your time, people are what matter, and if you let other things get in the way, you end up hurting others and yourself. We are blessed to live in a time where communication is instant, and as such does not have to be terribly long. Instead of thriving on what you don't have time for, know what time you do have and use it to better yourself and to let those around you know you care. Sometimes this involves saying "no" to something or working out for 45 minutes instead of an hour, and sometimes it means being 10 minutes late because you stayed in bed with cuddling cats or playing with a baby's feet. Either way, it will make a tremendous difference to the people who care about you to know that they play a significant part in the music of your every day life.
In conclusion, in music and life, you can never really "keep" time. Time is always moving, and even when you set a value and a beat to it, eventually the piece ends and everything that was played becomes a memory. However you spend your time today, it can never happen exactly that same way again. When I make music I realize I am using the time to work and love simultaneously. I work to make the piece beautiful and perfect, but I love to make the music in any capacity. I must learn to work effectively and love effectively in my daily life. Even though we never truly know how much time we have, there is always time to learn. Happy Tuesday!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Atlas Syndrome
The other day I told my piano student: "You can't avoid the problem, that won't make it go away. You just have to dive in and keep making it better." As these fortune cookie words tumbled from my mouth I realized "Oh my gosh what a hypocrite I am!" Here I am telling this kid to tackle difficult things in order to conquer them while I am avoiding many of my own issues and maybe even tackling the wrong ones.
My mother says I come by it honest. I have a tendency to take on the problems of others and in so doing I cause myself grey hairs, stress, and I eat WAY too much pizza. Recently I have started calling this condition Atlas Syndrome. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, even though unlike Atlas, I have the option of shrugging it off (pardon the pun and ending the sentence with a preposition).
So I re-evaluated. What are MY real problems? Problems that no one caused, no one can help, and only I can fix? First, my masters thesis. Ugh. My thesis is hard and unpleasant to write even though when I talk about it I get all excited and dominate the conversation because I feel smart. I have been avoiding working on this thesis as hard as I should because it is different and challenging. It certainly will not write itself, and time is a-tickin'.
Another problem? My retail habit. I LOVE CLOTHES. I love wearing them, I love when they first come out of the dryer, I love looking pretty in them, I love it when people tell me I look pretty in them, and I love selling them to other people so they can look pretty and love all the same things I love. Yet, this problem has, among other things, put me in a little debt. My debt, like my thesis, is unpleasant to think about and even harder to conquer because the world is a ruthless place.
I know right? If those are my biggest problems I am not doing too badly. Yet, through considering these problems I realized another one of my real problems: avoiding my own struggles by taking on those of others. I tend to take charge in a difficult situation, but I have noticed myself taking charge in all the wrong places. Sometimes it can be easier to have a problem than to take steps to fix it. We almost get secure in feeling insecure about a solution. Ever since I encouraged my student to face the issues head on I have realized I need to start following my own advice. The only way to relinquish the weight of the world is to realize that I can't solve all of the world's problems, but I can begin to solve my own a little at a time.
We all need to find a balance between being a friend to others and a friend to ourselves. Obviously I will help a friend in need any way I can, but I need to discern how much I can really, truly do for them and accept those limitations. I also need to knuckle down and face my own fears about my own problems and limitations. Fortunately, I have a lot of help along the way from people who point out when I am taking on too much, but bring me a cappuccino at work anyway.
In conclusion, remember that no matter what happens, it will always work out. Pull your own weight, and help out when you can, but leave the world to Atlas.
My mother says I come by it honest. I have a tendency to take on the problems of others and in so doing I cause myself grey hairs, stress, and I eat WAY too much pizza. Recently I have started calling this condition Atlas Syndrome. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, even though unlike Atlas, I have the option of shrugging it off (pardon the pun and ending the sentence with a preposition).
So I re-evaluated. What are MY real problems? Problems that no one caused, no one can help, and only I can fix? First, my masters thesis. Ugh. My thesis is hard and unpleasant to write even though when I talk about it I get all excited and dominate the conversation because I feel smart. I have been avoiding working on this thesis as hard as I should because it is different and challenging. It certainly will not write itself, and time is a-tickin'.
Another problem? My retail habit. I LOVE CLOTHES. I love wearing them, I love when they first come out of the dryer, I love looking pretty in them, I love it when people tell me I look pretty in them, and I love selling them to other people so they can look pretty and love all the same things I love. Yet, this problem has, among other things, put me in a little debt. My debt, like my thesis, is unpleasant to think about and even harder to conquer because the world is a ruthless place.
I know right? If those are my biggest problems I am not doing too badly. Yet, through considering these problems I realized another one of my real problems: avoiding my own struggles by taking on those of others. I tend to take charge in a difficult situation, but I have noticed myself taking charge in all the wrong places. Sometimes it can be easier to have a problem than to take steps to fix it. We almost get secure in feeling insecure about a solution. Ever since I encouraged my student to face the issues head on I have realized I need to start following my own advice. The only way to relinquish the weight of the world is to realize that I can't solve all of the world's problems, but I can begin to solve my own a little at a time.
We all need to find a balance between being a friend to others and a friend to ourselves. Obviously I will help a friend in need any way I can, but I need to discern how much I can really, truly do for them and accept those limitations. I also need to knuckle down and face my own fears about my own problems and limitations. Fortunately, I have a lot of help along the way from people who point out when I am taking on too much, but bring me a cappuccino at work anyway.
In conclusion, remember that no matter what happens, it will always work out. Pull your own weight, and help out when you can, but leave the world to Atlas.
Friday, March 16, 2012
If You Can't Say Anything Nice...
I recently heard a sermon that inspired a change in my life (thank you, pastor). So, it being Friday and all, I have decided to share it with you.
The sermon consisted of several steps to becoming a spiritual person, and one of the main steps was to "speak less." There are several proverbs that indicate as well that speaking less, if at all, is actually the wisest thing (Proverbs 17:28 for instance). I realized with all the social media, and my blog (oops) that I actually do a LOT of talking. For the sake of argument I shall relegate this post to my use (and abuse) of Twitter and my big mouth.
This may come as a shock to you, but I actually harbor resentment towards people sometimes and I also pride myself on a pretty impressive vocabulary, a lethal combination. So, when I am upset with someone you KNOW I am talking about it. But I also came up with another idea: the passive aggressive tweet. This is a tweet in which I would reply to various other tweets without replying, so it would just look like I was tweeting (for those of you who are not Tweeters, I apologize for any confusion).
For instance, if someone I did not like tweeted "Can't wait to go to the grocery store," I would randomly, hours later, tweet something like "Hope you enjoy your meatballs, carnivore," and other things like that. I know, this is SO immature, but hey, I am a work in progress!
In the spirit of self-improvement, I decided to try "speaking less" AND "tweeting less." This has revolutionized my thought process. Anytime I wanted to tweet something less than savory I stopped myself and thought about why I felt the need. I asked questions like "Does this person need to know I am upset?" "Would they care?" "Would what I have to say help them or only help me?" "Is it worth perpetuating the conflict within myself in order to say something hilarious?"
These questions and more made me realize that processing my anger through negativity was hindering my growth and happiness. By speaking less I am able to reflect on and examine my motivations in speaking at all. There is a huge difference between catharsis and self-service, and I was only serving my own desires with my spoken words.
So fine. No more talking or tweeting when I am upset about something right? WRONG. I discovered a long time ago that I wear my heart on my sleeve along with awesome bangles. Bottling up emotions simply is not in my genetic makeup. But what do I do if I can't tweet!? After writing a blog post of course (just kidding, kinda), I realize that there are ways to vent my frustration through safe and positive channels. First, of course, I can address the source of my angst if necessary and solve the problem. When this is not an option, I turn to the amazing friends I have (who still for some reason think I am cool in spite of my idiosyncrasies). I also have super intelligent parents who have a perspective on the world that really opens my mind and my heart. By speaking less and listening to these people more, I have gained a new understanding not only of myself, but of how to become a wiser, more gracious person.
Don't worry, reader, I still fly off the handle sometimes. But I strive to keep my mouth (and my Twitter app) closed in order to think about my words and their consequences. My two best conclusions: "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all," and "Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes no words can be the greatest action." Take the time to think about why you feel the need to "say," at all.
This weekend I encourage you to think about speaking less and learning/listening more. I am certainly still working at it, but it really is an enlightening thing. Be judicious in being completely silent though, especially if you're hitting on a cute dude at a bar. You never know how that may turn out. Have a great weekend! Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Consideration Nation (or Party Foul)
Ok. I am going to try and blog this post calmly.
In past weeks many mean things have happened to my friends and myself. One friend was stood up, one friend had a guy go psycho on her, one friend has a poophead baby daddy, one friend has a person who tweets evil things about her, one friend's boyfriend stopped talking to her out of nowhere...the list goes on. I have two words for this: PARTY FOUL. But, as always, I strive to find positive outlets to handle any negativity that goes on in my life. So here is a How-To-Handle-Being-Mean.
-So you don't want to date someone anymore.
That's cool, it happens. At this point in my life I have been dumped so many times I actually have professors who, when informed that I have since parted with my latest victim say "Well that's nothing new for you." Whatever. But if you find yourself in the position of rejectOR intend of rejectEE here is what you do:
You CALL the person or MEET WITH THEM IN PERSON. That person invested as much time in you as you did in them. Even if it's the right thing, chances are what you have to say is going to hurt them. Have respect for what that person brought to your life. Discuss parting ways in a respectful, caring, and assertive manner. They will probably talk smack anyway, but at least you can keep it classy.
-You have plans with someone but you a) don't want to go or b) had something come up that prevents you from going.
It is 2012. There are about 465 ways to get in touch with someone, there really is (barring emergency situations of course) no excuse for standing someone up. You TEXT, CALL, TWEET, FACEBOOK, SMOKE SIGNAL, etc. the person and politely bail. You can offer other times for a future rendezvous or, if you don't actually want to see them you say "Upon further reflection, I do not think hanging out is a good idea."
You DO NOT stand the person up, ignore their text messages/calls, or come up with idiotic excuses as to why you "did not get" their text messages the day before. Frankly it is rude, inconsiderate, selfish, and despicable.
-What To Do When You're REALLLYYYY Mad At Someone
This is a tricky one. Often, if a person does something intentionally mean to you it says they really just do not care about anyone but themselves. A person like this is not likely to care what you have to say or how their actions offended you. You may just have to let it go. Personally, I think people like that need forgiveness and love sent their way more than they need someone to point out what a narcissistic poltroon they are.
Occasionally though it is important to assert yourself to this person. If you have the opportunity to confront someone who has hurt you, I encourage you to approach the person from a place of respect and clarity. What they did hurt, sure, but you will not leave the conversation satisfied if all you do is call them mean names and swear at them. Swearing and evil name calling are not classy things and will automatically earn you the title "psycho$#%" or "banshee."
One suggestion that I try to employ often is to use a sentence format like this: "When you did this, I felt this, and that was really _______ because..." or something like that. Expressing your own feelings from your perspective will be cathartic for you and will not place the other party on the defensive. By expressing yourself succinctly you avoid mud-slinging and facilitate the opportunity for an open and honest discussion.
-What To Do When You Have Done Any Of the Above
Find a way, if possible or worth it, to say you're sorry. I can't tell you how much it would mean to me if anyone who did mean things to me contacted me and said "That was really rotten when I did that." My anger at these people is mostly because I think they don't realize they have done anything wrong. Then I get angry because I am angry about someone who so clearly does not care about me at all. I still struggle with frustration at people who hurt me deeply in the past, even if it has no bearing on my life now because those people never told me they were sorry.
Apologizing means swallowing your pride and acknowledging you were wrong and that you wish you had acted differently. Acknowledgment is the first step to solving a problem or at the very least, clearing your conscience. Granted, not everyone will say "That's ok no big." They may say something like "Whatever you're a #&%@*@," or "I can't believe you thought I cared about that," (they SO did). Admitting you were wrong provides justification for the wronged party and vindication for you. Also, it provides an opportunity to improve the relationship down the road, if warranted.
After you apologize, or even if you do not, try not to commit these actions. I know I am guilty of all of them at some point in my life. It's hard to reject someone, but it isn't any easier living with knowing you intentionally hurt someone for the sake of your own comfort. That person is a person too with feelings, emotions, and needs. Treat them as such and take the high road.
Well, I feel better now. Hopefully none of you lovely readers will actually have to employ this advice and your lives are filled with happy and positive relationships and interactions. Hope you all had a great weekend and that your week is full of love, positivity, and wine. Talk soon!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
That's the Way We Get By
Man oh man. 2012 has brought many changes in my life. It has been absolute craziness seriously since January 1st.
Sometimes when this happens I get a little frantic and crazy and I exhibit self-destructive behaviors such as skipping the gym and eating excessive amounts of cheese. And this time period was no exception.
Sometimes when this happens I feel like I am failing every day. Like no matter how on time I am or how much effort I put forth, things just are not coming together. This is particularly stressful due to my life in leadership positions.
So what do I do? I have to take a step back. I have to remember why I do what I do, and how I can be the best at it. Here are some tips if you ever feel this way:
-Think about your ultimate goal for where you are.
It is so easy to become introverted or absorbed in things outside of where you are. For me, it is sometimes difficult to focus because I have to do 2985 other things during the day. But I really am practicing shifting my energy. When I am at work, I realize my ultimate goal is facilitate a positive and welcoming environment. When my co-workers come in, I want them to be glad I am working that day. If you give your best to other people, it becomes easier to get the best out of them.
-Positive inner dialog
When I get busy and frantic, it also becomes easier for my negative feelings to come to light. Sometimes I might say something in my inner dialog like "well if you could get this right, maybe you'll finally be something important," or "maybe if you weren't so crazy thus and so would like you," and things like that. But I have to remember (and you should too) that you are where you are for a reason. If you have a job, someone believed in your skills enough to trust you with the position. And that alone is enough to justify a positive outlook in your work and in your life. The more you focus your energy on thinking about positive aspects in yourself, the more you will find positivity manifesting itself in your life and interactions.
-Make time for what is important to you
Case in point: I LOVE going to the gym. It is one of my most favorite things. The last few weeks it has been difficult to find time to go, and when I have time I am so exhausted that a treadmill looks like a medieval torture device. But I realized that when I do not get to the gym, I feel sad and, moreover, I feel unable to consume excessive amounts of peanut butter M&M's, which also makes me sad. So what did I do? I re-evaluated and now I get up super early so I definitely make it to the gym before work. Even doing this for three days made me feel SO much better not only about myself, and it gets my day off to a great start.
If you feel like you have zero time to do things that are important to you, you must re-evaluate your schedule. People make time for the things that mean a lot to them. You, too, can find a way to make it work. I promise it is worth it.
-Find ways to love what you do
Ok, retail management is not my ideal occupation for the rest of my life. But, like any job, it pays the bills. So I can choose either to degrade my position on the societal ladder, or I can find the positive aspects of my workplace and focus on those. For instance, I love making magic for customers. For every 2587 meanies there are 2 or 3 customers who come in and really have a wonderful experience finding things that make them feel good about themselves. I cherish these moments.
I am also very lucky because I get paid to make music many nights a week. Though there are frustrating aspects of these projects, I have to remember that I get to play piano and make music with people for hours on end every night of the week. And then there's the moment when the song is over, a split second of silence where everyone is thinking the same thing: "Wow that was good." When you get to be a part of that moment it becomes difficult to focus on anything negative.
-Do something frivolous every day.
On Mondays, I got frozen yogurt before rehearsal. I ate (more like devoured) it in my car and enjoy the you-know-what out of it. It is so good. On Friday and Saturday I wore a ridiculous (and adorable) headscarf as a color pop. On Thursday I bought the most amazing off-the-shoulder shirt EVER. Ok, I don't encourage buying clothing as a frivolous activity, that can be expensive. But you catch my drift. My mom calls this "finding pockets of peace." Finding a few minutes every day to do something that you really just like to do is epic. Even if it is just updating your fitness app on the train commute.
-Realize it's ok.
It's ok to get out at an inefficient exit at the train station to talk with the preacher on the corner every morning. It's ok to only wear Ugg boots after work because your feet hurt so badly you can't move. It's ok to eat your dinner from a vending machine because your forgot your meatless chicken nuggets at home.
In other words, I think it's ok to do some weird stuff sometimes to keep yourself moving forward.
So remember, every day can be the best day ever, you just have to find the good in it. Some days it will be harder to find than others, but it's there, even if you have to hit the snooze to cuddle with your cats or wait until 10pm to have a hefty glass of wine with some friends. Happy Saturday! Enjoy your weekend!
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